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Published: 2010-11-18 17:50:34 +0000 UTC; Views: 13993; Favourites: 394; Downloads: 356
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It hurted.My stomach was hurting for days. Mama said it was probably ulcer or maybe my drinking of so much Coke. But I ate and I ate and never drank Coke, and still my stomach hurted. Even if Mama went to the place where herbal plants grow to get a bunch of leaves so that she could squish them and put them in my drink, my stomach didn't stop hurting.
Papa said it was time to call the doctor, so he put on his funny straw hat and went to call the doctor. And when he came back, there was a funny-looking man that followed him into our little house. He had long kinky hair with white stuff in it and when he smiled he had very few teeth. His skin was brown, and his clothes was brown, and his hair was brown. He looked like mud.
Papa said, This is Pachiko.
And I said, Hello Pachiko.
And Pachiko smiled with the very few teeth that he had. Then he touched my stomach. He touched it for a long time, long enough for me to ask why he was touching it.
Then he took his hand off my stomach and looked at me. I wondered why his eyes grew big and his skin turned from the color of tree trunks to the color of Papa's coffee. Then he said to Mama and Papa, "Let's go out," in his funny voice.
They talked outside, but I couldn't hear them. At first their voices were very quiet and then Mama screamed! Then Papa got all angry and started yelling things I didn't understand. Were they getting mad at Pachiko? Was he being a bad doctor?
I did not move from the chair I was sitting on until they came back inside. Pachiko went home already. Only Mama and Papa came in the door.
Pachiko the doctor went home already, but my stomach still hurted.
Mama hugged me immediately. It was scary because she was crying.
Why are you crying, Mama? Did Pachiko do something bad to you? I asked.
She just kept on crying. Papa was smoking a cigarette and staring out the window. That was something he did when he was thinking hard about something, like when it was still months before the harvest and he doesn't know where to get money.
They wanted me to sleep on their bed that night and I was really happy to. I lied down between them and listened to their talking while they thought I was asleep.
They were talking about a bird and how fast it was growing. There was a bird that they needed to get rid of.
Then Mama said something about me going to Trina's house and eating the food her grandma cooked.
You mean Old Lady Gila is a—? Papa asked.
Then Mama said probably and she said that Old Lady Gila must have put a stone in my food. But I didn't remember eating any stone.
Papa said something that sounded like Aaaargh, Why my daughter?
Then Mama talked about the bird again. She said that the bird needs to be killed because it will grow big and it will become hungry. And I will be hungry too and people will die. Mama seemed very sad.
Then I heard Papa cry. I wanted to reach to him, to hug him and say, Don't cry Papa, I'm not hungry yet, but I fell asleep before I could.
I had a funny dream that night.
I dreamed I was flying, and then I went into Nino's window. Nino and I are classmates. It was funny because in my dream, before I even knew it, Nino was lying on the floor with a big hole in his chest. And then instead of hands I had claws, and in my claws there is a soft red thing that is shaped like a mango. It was thumping like it was alive.
The most funniest part was that I ate it, gobbled it up like fried rice.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
Papa woke me up early today, there was no sun yet.
We're going to the woods, Papa said.
And I got up even though I was very sleepy, washed my face and followed him.
He is carrying his really big gun as we walk. He uses it to shoot animals and scare people, but mostly to scare people. And I ask him why he bringed it but he don't answer. He just keeps on walking, and his face is as sour as an iba fruit. He doesn't even whistle the tune of It's a small World like he always does.
I ask, "Are we going to shoot birds today, Papa?"
He looks at me, and his face is the same as the doctor when he looked at me funny. Then he become serious again and looks at the trees.
He says, "Yes, babe, we are."
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Comments: 419
jssabotta [2018-05-08 05:47:27 +0000 UTC]
This is an excellent short story, very sinister. The fact that at first I thought the girl is pregnant, but then came to realize that that wasn't it at all - this gives the story a extra creepy quality and sense of unease. And of course everybody talks about it being a "bird" especially around her, because they don't want to to say what it really is, and that fear of even saying directly what it is, of everybody else knowing something awful that they aren't telling the protagonist really increases the reader's tension.
The fact that the reader has to guess at whats going on is good too - it causes you to feel, a little, of the uncertain apprehension of the unknown that the main character increasingly feels.
This story sent me over to a site about supernatural creatures of the Phillipines and at first I thought this might be the Matruculan, who is not friendly at all, but your link shows that we are dealing with the Manananggal Aswang, who is even worse. (The fact there there is a manananggals.com website is...creepy. the fact that if you go there all you see is a message saying "This site can’t be reached manananggals.com’s server IP address could not be found" is even creepier, if that were possible. Especially if you are on the computer late at night, alone in a darkened house...wait, was that a tik-tik sound I heard?)
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420DEADMEME69 [2018-03-11 22:32:56 +0000 UTC]
My reaction after reading this: www.youtube.com/watch?v=pa_hIv…
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Sistalem [2013-07-07 21:01:21 +0000 UTC]
Redhead Magazine is accepting short fantasy submissions at [link] - I thought you might be interested. Nice story, by the way.
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Gricken In reply to Sistalem [2013-07-10 15:06:14 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! I will check it out!
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milarii [2012-12-27 06:27:48 +0000 UTC]
Reminds me of cuckoo birds, and how they lay their eggs in other bird's nests...I assume this is what you're going for? :3
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dygariad [2012-03-01 16:37:58 +0000 UTC]
i've read this so many times and the mystery behind this still leaved me wondering....
fantastic job.
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Gricken In reply to dygariad [2012-03-02 02:55:10 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! I'm glad you like it.
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starrkat [2012-02-12 03:51:19 +0000 UTC]
Ooh, this is great
At first I skimmed it (I know, bad me!) but read it over and it made more sense.
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Gricken In reply to starrkat [2012-02-13 03:10:59 +0000 UTC]
Don't worry, I do that too sometimes. Thanks for reading and appreciating.
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QuirkyToothbrush [2011-10-08 04:27:49 +0000 UTC]
Your work has been featured here: [link] Congrats on the DD! You earned it!
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katarthis [2011-10-03 19:40:05 +0000 UTC]
Firstly, congratulations on recieving the DD. The story was probably worth it just as you wrote it, and your edited version reads very well, very strong. The overall effect is of course, subject to our own interpretations as defined through the filter of our own world views. That's a broad statement but nothing new of course. So the idea that the girl telling the story has cancer and that she lives in a pre-modernized world (read: witchdoctor) is a very natural conclusion to folks sitting behind a keyboard. You'd probably be unable to escape that conclusion without taking the story farther.
The key to making it deeper comes from the conversation and her dream. As you've presented it, that sense of the supernatural comes out very hauntingly. Is it real (for the people in the story, not necessarily the reader)? Is it superstition? The reader doesn't get to know - and consequently, we're left with some nagging what-ifs, and a good think. Was this what it was like in the west indies and pre colonial places? Is it still that way in the jungles of south america today?
Yes, you've written a short story worthy of the exploration. A good DD earner, I say.
k
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Gricken In reply to katarthis [2011-10-11 15:34:15 +0000 UTC]
Thank you for the wonderful comment. And I'm pleased you think it's DD-worthy.
Yes, I do understand how people could come up with the cancer conclusion but I'd rather leave the story as it is. Many people seem to understand now that the story is meant to be literal since I added the dream part. Anyway, I'm glad that I've left people with a story that will make them think.
Thank you very much for taking the time to read and comment.
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wh0rem0ans [2011-09-23 16:27:13 +0000 UTC]
I think it is very effective, including the italicized portion.
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DailyLitDeviations [2011-09-23 03:34:25 +0000 UTC]
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article that can be found here [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by ing the News Article.
Keep writing and keep creating.
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DailyLitDeviations In reply to Gricken [2011-09-27 01:53:29 +0000 UTC]
You are very welcome!
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kryzteenah [2011-09-15 01:30:31 +0000 UTC]
My goodness... I can't believe I only just found this! It's so amazing, and really well written. I like the sense of mystery behind it and the 'grammar bumps' added a certain uniqueness to the story. Well done, seriously well done!
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Gricken In reply to kryzteenah [2011-09-16 16:57:00 +0000 UTC]
Wow. That's really nice to hear. I'm glad you like it. Thank you!
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LadyofGaerdon [2011-09-12 11:45:35 +0000 UTC]
Wow! What a fascinating story! I really enjoyed it, though the ending was horrifying! I understood it as a supernatural tale, but I like that there are many interpretations to be made. Hooray for less-known folklore!
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Gricken In reply to LadyofGaerdon [2011-09-14 15:29:03 +0000 UTC]
Thank you so much! Yeah, I enjoy horrifying endings. They're just so hard to get over.
Unlike happy endings--you forget those quickly. Lesser-known folklore rules.
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ReinaHW [2011-06-13 15:25:43 +0000 UTC]
I've heard of such myths, Scotland has something a little like it and just like this story, it has a bitter end to the tale.
Interesting.
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lonealphawolf [2011-06-11 06:18:57 +0000 UTC]
The ending's just- she's going to die and it isn't her fault. I love this though - the simplicity and it all!
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Gricken In reply to damina [2011-02-16 03:29:22 +0000 UTC]
Thank you!
I don't think it couldn't have become a DD if it weren't for you.
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damina In reply to Gricken [2011-02-16 06:06:17 +0000 UTC]
Ahhhh I'm sure it would have at some point.
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BlueStar225 [2011-02-05 05:14:56 +0000 UTC]
everyone says their own interpretation of this story but whats your interpretation of this? I've just always wondered
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faeriecrone [2011-01-31 21:42:37 +0000 UTC]
I enjoyed reading it; it fueled my curiosity. But I am not satisfied as I do not really understand what happened.
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Gricken In reply to faeriecrone [2011-02-01 14:27:18 +0000 UTC]
Thanks. It's not meant to be fully understood though.
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whimsy657 In reply to Gricken [2011-01-27 23:59:19 +0000 UTC]
oh i love those guys!
haha
and you're welcome!
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monstroooo [2011-01-25 10:40:23 +0000 UTC]
This is definately worthy of the DD
I love that it's open to interpretation. The innocence of the narrator makes the whole thing particularly sad, but also allows the reader to draw their own interpretation. That's really effective.
Obviously, I've not seen the other versions. But this one looks really good to me - ambiguous without being vague.
I read it as she was fed something by a Lady Gila, who is some form of witch. Something dangerous is growing inside, Alien-style. For a while I thought the kid was just pregnant, but clearly not. I didn't think it was literally a bird until I read some of your comments
The important thing about this is not the name of whatever is inside the narrator, but the tragedy of her fate and her ignorance of what is really happening. And for that, it's well worth the DD
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Gricken In reply to monstroooo [2011-01-25 13:08:03 +0000 UTC]
Thank you very much!
The older version basically didn't have the dream part.
I'm not sure if it's a bird, really. Perhaps it's something that only resembles a bird and people only think it is. I just know that it's alive.
I'm glad you think so! Hug for you!
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paintedbluerose [2011-01-25 03:25:35 +0000 UTC]
I love how the grammar is horrible in this. It gives the reader a better feeling that it is a child speaking. Children don't have perfect grammar. At least, not the ones I know of... Man, I felt so bad for this child at the end. I don't think it was cancer though... It had to be something turning inside of her. Just the way they spoke, they acted, and the way her father was so willing to kill her at the end. When he said about shooting for birds... is she turning into one? Or some sort of monster? It kinda also reminds me of old folklore...
If it's not, forgive me.
I love the dream she has as well. It adds more... depth to it? I guess that's the word I'm looking for... It's amazing. It's just all amazing and creepy and eerie and haunting and man... I wish I could write like you!
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Gricken In reply to paintedbluerose [2011-01-25 12:57:55 +0000 UTC]
Thank you very much! I'm glad you like the awful grammar.
Yes, he plans to shoot her in the end because there's an evil bird growing inside her.
You can say it's old folklore, but people still seem to talk about things similar to this where I'm from.
That's good. The dream part was actually the latest addition and I was worried that it wouldn't mesh with the rest of the story.
Thanks again.
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paintedbluerose In reply to Gricken [2011-01-25 16:00:11 +0000 UTC]
That's horrible! Killing a child like that!
But I guess if it works, it works.
I thought it meshed well. Welcome.
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