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GrickenFlutterings
Published: 2010-11-18 17:50:34 +0000 UTC; Views: 13993; Favourites: 394; Downloads: 356
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Description It hurted.

My stomach was hurting for days. Mama said it was probably ulcer or maybe my drinking of so much Coke. But I ate and I ate and never drank Coke, and still my stomach hurted. Even if Mama went to the place where herbal plants grow to get a bunch of leaves so that she could squish them and put them in my drink, my stomach didn't stop hurting.

Papa said it was time to call the doctor, so he put on his funny straw hat and went to call the doctor. And when he came back, there was a funny-looking man that followed him into our little house. He had long kinky hair with white stuff in it and when he smiled he had very few teeth. His skin was brown, and his clothes was brown, and his hair was brown. He looked like mud.

Papa said, This is Pachiko.

And I said, Hello Pachiko.

And Pachiko smiled with the very few teeth that he had. Then he touched my stomach. He touched it for a long time, long enough for me to ask why he was touching it.

Then he took his hand off my stomach and looked at me. I wondered why his eyes grew big and his skin turned from the color of tree trunks to the color of Papa's coffee. Then he said to Mama and Papa, "Let's go out," in his funny voice.

They talked outside, but I couldn't hear them. At first their voices were very quiet and then Mama screamed! Then Papa got all angry and started yelling things I didn't understand. Were they getting mad at Pachiko? Was he being a bad doctor?

I did not move from the chair I was sitting on until they came back inside. Pachiko went home already. Only Mama and Papa came in the door.

Pachiko the doctor went home already, but my stomach still hurted.

Mama hugged me immediately. It was scary because she was crying.

Why are you crying, Mama? Did Pachiko do something bad to you?  I asked.

She just kept on crying. Papa was smoking a cigarette and staring out the window. That was something he did when he was thinking hard about something, like when it was still months before the harvest and he doesn't know where to get money.

They wanted me to sleep on their bed that night and I was really happy to. I lied down between them and listened to their talking while they thought I was asleep.

They were talking about a bird and how fast it was growing. There was a bird that they needed to get rid of.

Then Mama said something about me going to Trina's house and eating the food her grandma cooked.

You mean Old Lady Gila is a—? Papa asked.

Then Mama said probably and she said that Old Lady Gila must have put a stone in my food. But I didn't remember eating any stone.

Papa said something that sounded like Aaaargh, Why my daughter?

Then Mama talked about the bird again. She said that the bird needs to be killed because it will grow big and it will become hungry. And I will be hungry too and people will die. Mama seemed very sad.

Then I heard Papa cry. I wanted to reach to him, to hug him and say, Don't cry Papa, I'm not hungry yet, but I fell asleep before I could.


I had a funny dream that night.

I dreamed I was flying, and then I went into Nino's window. Nino and I are classmates. It was funny because in my dream, before I even knew it, Nino was lying on the floor with a big hole in his chest. And then instead of hands I had claws, and in my claws there is a soft red thing that is shaped like a mango. It was thumping like it was alive.

The most funniest part was that I ate it, gobbled it up like fried rice.



_ _ _ _ _ _ _


Papa woke me up early today, there was no sun yet.

We're going to the woods, Papa said.

And I got up even though I was very sleepy, washed my face and followed him.

He is carrying his really big gun as we walk. He uses it to shoot animals and scare people, but mostly to scare people. And I ask him why he bringed it but he don't answer. He just keeps on walking, and his face is as sour as an iba fruit. He doesn't even whistle the tune of It's a small World like he always does.

I ask, "Are we going to shoot birds today, Papa?"

He looks at me, and his face is the same as the doctor when he looked at me funny. Then he become serious again and looks at the trees.

He says, "Yes, babe, we are."
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Comments: 419

PreetikaSharma In reply to ??? [2011-01-22 13:20:12 +0000 UTC]

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gembutterfly [2011-01-22 04:45:54 +0000 UTC]

Man, I don't know why you keep getting corrected on your grammar! Don't people get that it's supposed to be that way?

I was left breathless, and still am writing this comment. Oh my god, I have tears in my eyes; this was just so amazing. The simple wording, and it was so much more hauntingly beautiful with the way the story was written from a child's view. Just incredible. a well deserved DD

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Gricken In reply to gembutterfly [2011-01-22 12:51:52 +0000 UTC]

That's why I edited the artist's comments.

Breathless? Wow. Thank you very much!

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Lady-Akeru In reply to ??? [2011-01-22 04:08:24 +0000 UTC]

The girl is becoming a monster! D:

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Gricken In reply to Lady-Akeru [2011-01-22 12:50:35 +0000 UTC]

Yes, yes she is. Thanks for reading.

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DisneyPhan01 In reply to ??? [2011-01-22 04:01:42 +0000 UTC]

When I first read this, I figured that the little girl had a stomach tumor or some other type of cancer... I didn't quite get the importance of the father's reply to her "Are we going to shoot birds today, Papa?" because of that, but now that I know that a bird is in her stomach... o.o;; Adds a lot of depth and darkness to it... And was her dream really a dream?? Or did she really transform into that bird demon-like thing and eat her classmate's heart...?? o.o;;

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Gricken In reply to DisneyPhan01 [2011-01-22 12:50:08 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!
I'm afraid I can't answer that because it goes two different ways for me. One is that it really happened and the other is that she's foreseeing what will happen. If that makes sense.

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DisneyPhan01 In reply to Gricken [2011-01-23 17:44:05 +0000 UTC]

You're welcome!

It kinda makes sense... like, two sides to the story: if you view it one way, it really happened to her, and if you view it the other way, she was just "forseeing what will happen", as you say.

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gagi13 In reply to ??? [2011-01-22 03:46:07 +0000 UTC]

beautiful story, i love not really knowing what happened it makes for excellent reread value.

on a side note, you might want to put in the artist's notes that this is written with poor grammar on purpose, because tons of people are leaving the same comments about correcting your grammar.

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gagi13 In reply to ??? [2011-01-22 03:45:40 +0000 UTC]

beautiful story, i love not really knowing what happened it makes for excellent reread value.

on a side note, you might want to put in the artist's notes that this is written with poor grammar on purpose, because tons of people are leaving the same comments about correcting your grammar.

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Gricken In reply to gagi13 [2011-01-22 12:47:48 +0000 UTC]

Thank you very much!

Yes, I put that in before, but I must have forgotten when I edited the artist's comments. Not to worry, I placed it again.

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gagi13 In reply to Gricken [2011-01-22 15:42:50 +0000 UTC]

again, nice job

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WormandaDuck In reply to ??? [2011-01-22 03:45:16 +0000 UTC]

Was it cancer?

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Gricken In reply to WormandaDuck [2011-01-22 12:46:48 +0000 UTC]

No, it's not that. But I don't know much about cancer, so what made you think it was?

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WormandaDuck In reply to Gricken [2011-01-22 15:39:56 +0000 UTC]

Just the part about the stone and that whatever in her stomach was growing.
Also, her stomach hurt, and having cancer there would most likely hurt in the beginning stages.

What was it?

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Gricken In reply to WormandaDuck [2011-01-22 16:13:21 +0000 UTC]

I guess you could look at it that way.

I actually meant the story literally. She ate something, and now it's growing in her stomach and turning her into a monster. Well, something like that anyway. But people have said that it somehow works both ways, as a literal story and as a figurative one. Depends on which you prefer.

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WormandaDuck In reply to Gricken [2011-01-22 21:51:08 +0000 UTC]

Oooooh. That's why she eats her classmate's heart in her sleep.

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ReasonFalling In reply to ??? [2011-01-22 03:34:54 +0000 UTC]

Please be a bit more grammatically correct. I don't mean this in a mean way it's just that it's my pet peeve and switching tenses is annoying, but other than that I enjoyed this piece ^.^

👍: 0 ⏩: 2

Gricken In reply to ReasonFalling [2011-01-22 12:41:59 +0000 UTC]

Thank you. The grammar bumps were on purpose though. I wanted this to be the voice of a child who grew up in a not very well-educated rural environment.

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ReasonFalling In reply to Gricken [2011-01-22 22:05:00 +0000 UTC]

Even so, there were some parts that I thought it was over used and just ruined the flow of the story XD

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Gricken In reply to ReasonFalling [2011-01-25 13:51:21 +0000 UTC]

Maybe they were overused. But I didn't want to scatter the bad grammar evenly or anything. It would feel forced. And if I used too little, then they would just seem like my own little errors and not the narrator's. But I'll see if I can do something about it.

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ReasonFalling In reply to Gricken [2011-01-28 01:27:02 +0000 UTC]

Haha, well do your best hun! I'm sure it will come out fantastic

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dramaelfie In reply to ReasonFalling [2011-01-22 04:36:05 +0000 UTC]

The narrator is a young child, and the grammar choices in this piece were made to reflect that. I'm pretty nit-picky about grammar, too, but it didn't bother me because it was a consciously-made stylistic decision.

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spectacularsam In reply to ??? [2011-01-22 03:21:35 +0000 UTC]

my interpretation is the "bird" is a metaphor for the child's baby (thats why her stomach hurts) and the father is going to shoot it. i think... anyway it was amazing!

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Gricken In reply to spectacularsam [2011-01-22 12:45:36 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

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black-cadillac In reply to ??? [2011-01-22 03:18:12 +0000 UTC]

this is a amazing story. i really love it and i almost made me cry you're a good writer.

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Gricken In reply to black-cadillac [2011-01-22 12:45:23 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much!

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black-cadillac In reply to Gricken [2011-01-22 16:28:50 +0000 UTC]

you are wery welcome hun ^^

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icantthinkofaname-09 [2011-01-22 03:16:50 +0000 UTC]

I really wish this was a full-fledged book. It was very interesting and immediately grabbed my attention (and then held it all the way until the end).

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Gricken In reply to icantthinkofaname-09 [2011-01-22 12:45:03 +0000 UTC]

That would take pretty long to write. But thank you! I'm glad it got your attention.

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BonesBleachedBare [2011-01-22 03:04:56 +0000 UTC]

I love this. It's great to have a horror-esque story told from the point of view of a child. It's especially chilling because she doesn't even realize what's going on, but we do.
Just wondering, but was her dream real? Did she actually eat that boy's heart, or was that just the bird/beast inside of her longing to eat it?

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Gricken In reply to BonesBleachedBare [2011-01-22 12:43:57 +0000 UTC]

Thank you very much.
I'm afraid I'll have to let you decide that one. (Maybe because I'm not quite sure myself.)

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BonesBleachedBare In reply to Gricken [2011-01-22 22:13:06 +0000 UTC]

Oooh okay! I know how that is.

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kawaii-japan-fan In reply to ??? [2011-01-22 02:43:35 +0000 UTC]

I interpreted that she was some monster or something and the doctor was w witch doctor or something

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Gricken In reply to kawaii-japan-fan [2011-01-22 12:39:31 +0000 UTC]

You got it right. Thanks for reading.

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christohpera In reply to ??? [2011-01-22 02:38:07 +0000 UTC]

The story's quite interesting, but I can't help but notice the small error at the end - use 'brought' instead of "bringed"

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Gricken In reply to christohpera [2011-01-22 12:36:27 +0000 UTC]

Thank you. Um, yes, I did that on purpose. The narrator's a child, so I wasn't aiming for perfect grammar.

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christohpera In reply to Gricken [2011-01-23 00:16:45 +0000 UTC]

I see I see, it all makes sense now that I look at it again... Sometimes art just needs to be looked at twice, thrice or even more!

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icantthinkofaname-09 In reply to christohpera [2011-01-22 03:13:41 +0000 UTC]

I think that was done on purpose, because it's told from the child's perspective.

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christohpera In reply to icantthinkofaname-09 [2011-01-22 10:12:55 +0000 UTC]

I guess there's an art in that...:3

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Bleblebob In reply to ??? [2011-01-22 02:25:16 +0000 UTC]

I like it, many ways to interperate it. I think she's a demon or "bird" that'll begin to eat others souls or hearts like in her dream leaving everyone elso "hungry" or dead. Definately deserved the daily deviations.

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Gricken In reply to Bleblebob [2011-01-22 12:39:08 +0000 UTC]

Thank you very much.
I like your avatar. I... must... stop looking... at it.

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Bleblebob In reply to Gricken [2011-01-22 13:56:15 +0000 UTC]

Thanks

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destinywhale In reply to ??? [2011-01-22 02:24:00 +0000 UTC]

haha i thought she was prego and they didn't have enough food for the baby so they'd have to kill her

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Gricken In reply to destinywhale [2011-01-22 12:37:51 +0000 UTC]

That's a funny way of seeing it. Thanks for reading.

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destinywhale In reply to Gricken [2011-01-23 18:14:56 +0000 UTC]

hehe yw

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TheDibLuver In reply to destinywhale [2011-01-22 04:51:56 +0000 UTC]

lol

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up-up-up-up-up-up In reply to ??? [2011-01-22 02:22:30 +0000 UTC]

This is dark, rich and beautiful, you have written it so well.

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Gricken In reply to up-up-up-up-up-up [2011-01-22 12:37:21 +0000 UTC]

Thank you very much.

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StrangeStuffStudios In reply to ??? [2011-01-22 01:52:08 +0000 UTC]

You need to look over your grammar. There are a lot of mistakes here.

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