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I have decided that the road to hell is indeed paved with good intentions. I wish she understood and cared. She has walked out on me -- says shes not gonna talk to me anymore. Even though it is an impossible task, she is going to try to live her life like it was before she met me. Doing this she will only fail, I know, because your past cannot be escaped. But what bothers me some is shes not going to learn anything from it. Let me explain:

I know I have made mistakes, and so many of them, in just the time between when she left me, not to mention while we were together. Ive realized my ultimate flaws, which I will not mention here, because I still am truly ashamed. But here is the side of the story, the chain of events, that signaled my downfall....

Early last night she hung up on me for the first time she's ever had to. She said, "...I can't deal with this now."

I responded, "You are going to have to deal with it sometime." I was frustrated, sad. I probably spoke in too harsh of a tone.

(Later, after the big incident to come which decided what has, at least for now, sealed my fate, I read a new email from her that she told me she sent me, in which she called me "controlling." I didnt realize until then how she took what I said. So, Jessika, if you read this Id just like to say that I meant that you cant run away from things forever, because they will catch up with you; I didnt mean that I was going to force you into something, and that you absolutely had to obey me then and there, like I think you thought I meant.)

Truth be told I was going to kill myself after that -- I figured all hope was lost. I stuck it out though. I wrote my feelings down and spared myself the knife.

But I was still desperate. I contemplated for a few hours driving over there and seeing her uninvited and just talking to her. These intentions were thought to be in both of our favors. I just wanted to sort things out. I didnt wanna go to sleep another night without knowing that things were really bad between us. And I didnt want her to have to be upset about the way things were, for her to be stressed out over it. However, looking back, I know my decision wasnt rational (and I told her when I got there that Id never do it again).

I made up my mind to drive there, scared as hell, shaking all the way there, not knowing what was going to happen. (I was scared too, Jessika, and once again Im sorry I did that.)

Needless to say, when I got there she was surprised. She seemed a little hesitant to let me in and I offered to go many times. Looking back, I should have just went. (I was going to, once, when her phone rang and she went upstairs. I went out and just stared at my car, contemplating. But she saw me out there, asked what I was doing, so I called myself a coward, told her I was just getting something to read to her, and went back inside, thinking that she might want me to stay. But I guess I was wrong.)

I went inside, and she sat down on her bed. Still standing I told her that I would leave now if she wanted me to and that she only needed to tell me when. I just talked to her about what my intentions were for being there, that I was sorry for coming uninvited, etc. She looked OK so far, so I asked her if I could sit down. She said I could, and I did. I talked to her generally about things until I asked her if I could read her a poem I wrote (My Dear Corinthian). I told her that I was reading her this because I loved her, I cared about her, and I knew I have messed up. I know that my intentions were good, because they were intentions made through love and care for her, but in coming through me, someone who is conflicted so much now it seems, that I corrupt this care and love that I try to remind her she has. Thus, through me these acts I would have done for good came out jealous and selfish. (Once again, I am very sorry, Jessika. I mean it with all my heart. I swear I never meant to harm you.)

So after finishing reading the poem, after I handed it to her, and she took it to keep, we sat in silence for awhile, looking at each other on and off. I could tell she was starting not to feel good. So I opened my idiot mouth and started to talk to her a little, just about what I intend, just basically repeating myself. I didnt want her to feel alone or insecure or scared, so this is why I talked.

I then proceeded to make a huge mistake (another huge mistake). I read to her an entry that I had written the day I tried to run away. I do not know why I read that to her, so call it "destiny." Truth be told, I did not remember that it was so raw, so uncensored, so devoid of rational thought, until I got done reading it. (I do not blame her for later calling me "insane" — I think that thing I had written was pretty insane.) The only rational explanation I can think of was at the end of it when I apologized to her about how I know I had screwed things up and just kept doing it and how much more pressure that put on me, how much more depressing it was to me.

She then -- I could tell by the look in her eyes -- got very scared. This hurt me, because that is not why I had come over, but still I knew that it was my fault. But dont worry, Jessika — you had a reason to be scared after I read you that. I knew it was a bad idea right after I did it. And I am very sorry. I didnt want to hurt you, to scare you, to make you feel uncomfortable. I went over to your house, even though stupidly and unprepared, in an attempt to make things right.

I talked to her more. I tried my best to show her that I didnt want her to be scared. She got a phone-call (her boyfriend, I knew) and said that she would like it if I left. I promised her before that I would go without a scene, so thats what I did. She said that she had emailed me and that I should respond and that she would talk to me soon. I left with the impression thinking that things were okay — not nearly good, but they were okay.

I drove home very fast and made it home probably as fast as I ever have. I sat down right away to read the email. I was not surprised at what I saw. She told me how things were, the mistakes that I had made, which I had already figured out through a lot of lonesome thinking, I guess you could call it. But these I knew that I was sorry for and that I could make it up to her. These were my downfalls — I am too ashamed to say these things, and those who read this need not know them, for they are very personal matters. All in all, I took her for granted in the worst ways. (Those of which I am deeply, truly sorry for, and have neither been forgiven, nor have forgiven myself for. However I do believe that people deserve a chance at forgiveness. I was not fully offered mine, but I honestly do not blame her.) It upset me though that she still confronted me with these past issues because then it was assured that I was not forgiven, and thus I cannot begin to forgive myself.

Also she told me, as I had already known, that it scared her that I loved her. I can reason with her on that. What our love started out to be was beautiful. We (but mainly I, in my selfishness) had corrupted it. Her initial strength was also weakened by her love for me, to make me happy, so she became passive, and which is why she thinks I was controlling. So this is the love she remembers — the most recent love she got from me — the corrupted love that had gotten lost along the way (not to mention my failed attempts at showing her after she left me how she would always have my love, which through my idiocy always ended up in jealousy or some sort of conceit). And I dont blame her for it to make her scared. But I wanted to show her that I know I had messed up but I wanted to make it right. Because she was afraid of love that I would have given her and I wanted her to know that I would try my best, try to block out the bad things and make my love for her be shown as near perfectly as it was when it originated in me. I did this the next morning.

After responding to that email with a general message of "I know Ive failed" and "Please dont be scared," I went to bed at around midnight.

At three in the morning I woke up from a dream. I dont remember what it was about, but it made me want to wake up, so I did. General feelings I had in my dream I laid there for the next several hours, tossing and turning, half thinking about them and trying to sort them out and half trying to get back to sleep, until I knew it was useless and at around seven AM I devoted myself to thinking. I thought about this until about noon, when I got up and went immediately to the computer. This was my attempt I made in the morning to try and help her and wanting her to know that the love I meant her to know she always had, what it came from, before I corrupted it. This is what I wrote:

Look. And please really listen to me right now. Its very important, okay? I know that you do not want that kind of love right now. I know it frightens you. But I do not wanna scare you away at all. It hurts to see you look at me with sad and scared eyes. I could not look at you that much last night because of how you looked at me, it made me just want to break down and cry and give up and go far, far away, and never come back. I know that you are afraid of that "serious" love because what it turned into, how we (but mainly me) made it corrupted. I am not going to force my love on you, but I just want you to know that you have it. And I need you to know that its nothing bad. Ive learned so much from my mistakes Ive made, and I can honestly promise Id never make those again, but still that image remains in your mind about the "seriousness" of love and the bad feelings that can happen because we are not perfect, either one of us. So in order for you to understand me, hopefully, I am going to show you what it means to me versus what it used to; then maybe you will see that it is nothing to fear.

Love used to mean...
"Please dont leave me."
"Be mine and devote yourself to me."
"I know that youre perfect."
"You have my trust, so please dont break it like so many others have."
"We have to make this work."
"I love you because I need you."

Ive had to go through so much pain within the last several months, thinking about what Ive done, how, if I had just done things a little differently, this wouldnt have happened. Through my suffering though I do know that I have learned, even though it had to be the hard way. and I just want you to know that — that I have learned; I have changed.

When I say that I love you, it means...
"I have faith in you. The dreams that you have for yourself to one day make into a reality, I will support you in. I believe in your dreams."
"I will always be there to catch you if you should fall."
"If ever you need someone and you feel there is no one left, all you need to do is look in my direction — I will be there."
"If you are walking through life and you see nothing but thorns ahead of you and find yourself barefooted and alone, I will willingly carry you across those thorns until you are to softer ground. And if I am too weak to carry you at the time I will show you where to step without getting hurt, because I have crossed those thorns many times before."
"If there is ever a time when you feel alone and there is no one there for you, feeling that there is nothing anyone can do, and you find yourself sitting alone in silence and in darkness, I will be right beside you sitting with you in that silence, in that darkness, so that you know that you are not alone in it."
"Be yourself in every way you are, because that is who I love."
"I know that I do not have to think of you as perfect for you to have my faith, hope, and love, because you mean that much to me, that you dont have to be perfect, to have it."
"I admired you and the strength you had, but didnt see. But I cannot get that back for you. Only you can. And first you have to realize where its missing."
"There are some times when I know I will let you down, not live up to your expectations, but I am certain that I will always make things up to you, make them better, if you allow me to."
"I promise to always give it my all."

-Bobby

Right after I wrote that and printed it, I called her. I wanted to read it to her, even though I also emailed it to her. But I wanted to read it because sometimes words in an email, in an instant message can be hollow. And it is far more easy to just write something down and give it to someone, than show that real emotion, that real care that made me wanna write this in the first place. I wanted to show my devotion.

However she said that her mother was leaving for work soon and that she had to go. So I let her go and got about fifteen minutes of sleep, thought some more, and went back upstairs to the computer.

She had left me a message saying that she would only talk to me online. I protested at first, asking her if it would be okay if I called her. She said no; I respected her wishes. Needless to say we started to talk about these things. About whats happened, about whats not happened, etc.

I pleaded for a chance to make things up to her. She asked why, but did not seem to hear me out, and truly, truly hear my regrets and my promises to give it all I had in making things better between the two of us. I was caught defending myself, tired, off-guard (I thought that I was going to get to read to her my thing about love, and so this was a surprise). She said she'd had enough. She didnt care to stick around and see how Ive changed. I wasnt worth a chance. She wished she hadnt met me and wanted things to go back to the way in which they were before she first talked to me (which can never be, I hope she realizes someday soon). I tried to plead my case. I admitted hands up in surrender my shortcomings, but foolishly on her part, she took these as me wanting her to feel guilty. (Far from the truth. I was the one to feel guilty, and I did. Not her.)

She then said "goodbye," and I was left in tears, but surprisingly I did not completely fall apart, did not completely break down like I thought I would in this situation — even though I love her and shes abandoned me, even though I need her and shes gone, I have grown stronger. Still I wish to speak to her again; I wish to start anew.

I would have died before I would have failed her.