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namenotrequired — For a better 2018, part 2
Published: 2017-12-29 23:39:52 +0000 UTC; Views: 1162; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 0
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What would "becoming a better person " look like, for me specifically?
I don't need to bother defining "good". I think I know how I can be better, if I ask myself.
I don't know how to be perfect. But some part in me knows at least 5 things I should be better at, by my own standards. My conscience tells me all the time. I just have to pay attention. That's hard, because I'm so used to ignoring it.
Actually, I just threw around the number 5, but let's see if I can come up with five.
I
One of the most common things it tells me (that I ignore) is "you should stop eating now". When I ignore it, I often end up with stomach ache, or being unable to sleep, with all due consequences.
II
An even more common thing it tells me (that I ignore even more) is "go sleep". I'm ignoring it right now to write this. The consequences are
- worse mood
- worse concentration at work
- worse decisions at work and personally
- less courage
- interrupting my daily rhythm, which is really bad for health and mood. Sometimes I even fall into a bad one where I structurally lack sleep
- less likely to get enough sleep the next day (vicious cycle)
III
I mention courage because I am not as courageous as I'd like , especially in social situations. I suck at taking initiative and hate interrupting people. My conscience often goes "you should tell them fact X" or "you should invite person Y" or sometimes even "you should stand up to person Z". Those last ones are very rare but important and I'd hate to ignore just one more chance to stand up to malevolence.
This category is harder than the previous ones, because often I don't even know how to do the thing I know I need to do.
IV
Of course once I realized these things and started paying attention, not following my conscience became a guilt by itself.
V
The last thing my conscience tells me is that I should know what to do. I have lots of ambitions and desires and ideas and still often end up at a loss for what to spend the next minute or hour on.
Okay, there we've got five.
I'll go sleep now and maybe tomorrow I'll list some more. Or start imagining how I can do them better.
What are some things your conscience tells you to do sometimes? I'd love to hear. Who knows, maybe my conscience has been saying the same thing and I haven't been hearing. It's very likely, because Lord knows I've got lots more flaws.
Part 1 | Part 3
Skin by Dan Leveille
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Comments: 18
Some of mine are like yours. I procrastinate too much. I put things off a lot (sleep inclusive). But like 3wyl I am the other way round with food. I'm too tired or not motivated. I do try, but I could be better.
For me there are many things I want to do but... I just keep falling behind more and more.
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What's the #1 thing you want to do?
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I want to be well and happy. It's not a thing to do, admittedly, but... It's what I wish I could achieve.
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Right, what's the #1 thing you can do differently? Like, that you actually could and would do differently?
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There aren't many things I can do at present... I'm mostly in bed. Only small things like maybe not blow-drying my hair. Which in Mauritius is a huge pain because the humidity is 100%. As an example my mother did some laundry last week and it took 4 days for the clothes to dry.
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My main one is almost similar to your fifth one.
My procrastination.
I should be doing homework right now, but, of course, I'm doing everything but. However, it isn't just homework. It's anything and everything - even things I really want to do; even stuff I really enjoy.
I've finally planned out a new story (or started to plan out, at least) after not having written much the last year. That was done on Christmas Eve. Have I done anymore since? No. Have I wanted to? Yes. Why didn't I? I couldn't get started in the moment. Once I'm doing something, it's usually fine. Just... the getting started.
I think it has something to do with my fear of failure.
And then I feel guilty because I'll spend hours a day scrolling on my phone, opening and closing apps and social media pages. What have I achieved today? Nothing. Yet I want to learn so many new skills, hobbies, etc.
Part of what I should improve on is getting stuff done.
The other part is learning that not 'achieving' anything in a day is a day of rest and is important, too.
I guess I just really need to find a balance.
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Yes, the balance is important 
What kind of failure do you fear?
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Once I start, I don't give myself time to rest. So if I'm having a down moment when I've done a lot of work the day before, I give myself a day to rest. I still feel guilty, but not as bad as I used to feel because I'm teaching myself that rest is important and I can see the difference it makes if I rest between writing drafts of essays, etc, and how much better they become if I do rest in between.
I set really high expectations for myself. School wise, as a child I was always a Straight A student, so I guess that has kind of effected how I am now. I'm a perfectionist. With drawing and writing, if it doesn't go EXACTLY as I planned, I will get frustrated and quit. It's my own high expectations. I don't want to disappoint others - but mostly I don't want to disappoint myself.
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That makes sense. That's great then, a really important thing to learn and internalize. It took me a long time too, and it's a struggle to this day.
I've disciplined myself to start and take breaks all the time now. It seems to be working pretty well for me, but it's a tricky thing to get right. For example, it makes a huge difference whether I spend my break going for a walk (usually great) or aimlessly browsing the internet (usually destructive).
Yeah! I am the same. What helped me was going into the industry of technology startups, where the philosophy is very much that of "fail fast". Everything you do is seen as an experiment, and often it doesn't matter how badly it turns out, only that you learn from it. I started applying this to my own life too, and this was a huge shift for me. That said, with writing for instance I'm still very much the same. It has to be great or I'll already quit.
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I have a somewhat opposite problem to your I, in that I don't eat when I should.
Sleep is important - it can be interesting how much it affects us during the day time.
With your third, sometimes, we see a lot of things in hindsight. When that is the case, we can't change the past, but we can change what we do now and in the future.
My conscience can tell me many things, but the key thing for me is, either I do something about it, or I don't do something and just accept it for what it is. Based on that, I may feel guilty or ashamed or upset for a moment, but I know I won't feel that the next day.
To me, that is important - it is important to not be at war with yourself, but to reach an agreement, to accept, to move forwards and ensure that actions and thoughts are productive and constructive.
Sure, we have flaws, but the key is not looking at them as flaws.
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Do you tend to starve yourself?
I mostly agree. It's a balance - I think you and I are really conscientious by nature and are at bigger risk of being too harsh at ourselves than not being harsh enough. Many people are different.
I am trying to not just suppress this feeling when it's too much, but also use it for good. Because some of my flaws should be solved rather than accepted.
Of course the downside is that it's contradictory to use something and diminish it at the same time. I guess I"m working cross purpose to myself.
I almost forgot to say: thank you for commenting on one of my most personal journals, it means a lot that you're honest and helpful to me
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I tend to forget about food when I'm working on something. Or, I think to myself that "I'll eat when I'm finished with this" and "this" happens to be 11AM. Of course, by that point, it's basically lunch time.
The word "conscientious" is a funny one - even now, I remember many of my teachers used that word in their reports of me - spanning 10-20 years ago.
I used to be very harsh on myself, but I think part of that was because of surrounding influences. Now, I've moved an ocean away (literally) to be with someone I've chosen to be with. That's made a load of difference.
Now, I wonder if I am being too harsh on others. I don't believe I am as harsh on myself as I once was, but I do believe I've become more jaded, cynical, and impatient.
I think you've taken the first, big step if you recognize your flaws. Working on them by resolving those flaws, or working on them by just accepting them, is the next step.
No thanks necessary. 
I still have your other journals to read. Thank you for posting them and sharing yourself, your thoughts and feelings, and more. It's somewhat bittersweet that I cannot do the same in return (as I once did).
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I'm not surprised that your teachers saw you that way!
That makes sense, so was it mostly your parents teaching / forcing you to be conscientious?
In my case, I'd say it's basically by nature. Maybe genetic, or defined from early childhood at the latest. As far back as I can remember, I was confused... Now I realize it was because I'm so ridiculously conscientious and orderly. I could not stand just how liberal my parents were with me. And so many things in the world just made no sense to me. I expected them all to be in perfect order, and I just couldn't find the order I expected.
It sounds like that's been a difference for the better then?
I'm still struggling to find a balance without losing its utility. I know my conscientiousness is a great advantage to me in many ways. What I try to do now is to always listen to my conscience (which I suppose is what the word means, anyway), also when it tells me to rest and take care of myself rather than of duties.
Yes indeed! 
Out of curiosity, what makes it harder to share your thoughts and feelings than it used to be?
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I would not say that my parents taught/forced me to be conscientious. If anything, my mother wanted me to be the opposite. Perhaps, in that sense, there was a reverse force kind of thing going, if you get what I mean.
Either way, I feel something like 'being conscientious' is almost a genetic trait that cannot be changed. Or, perhaps more likely, it is a mixture of nature and nurture. It may be that I am inclined towards being conscientious, and nurture supported that more.
I would agree with you about genetics or definition from early childhood at the latest.
I think it's standard for things to not make sense. In fact, I would say a lot of kids have misconceptions of the world. Unfortunately, some of those kids carry those misconceptions to adulthood, but, for a lot of other people, we are corrected, we start to make sense of things, we start to understand why and how.
As we grow, we begin to understand there is no perfect order. There is a mixture of chaos and order. Even if we order our lives the best we can, we have no influence on the world and its people impacting us and shaking our lives to the core. For that reason, it is important to be adaptable, open to change, etc.
It's hard to develop a strong belief/moral system that we uphold ourselves by. When you add to that your core self, what you deserve, what you don't deserve, what you should do, what you shouldn't do... it is difficult. It's all too easy to succumb to a vice. If we tip too much, we could become sloth-like (lazy), or prideful (arrogant).
Hey, neither of us may be doing a lot on the site, we may not be responding frequently all the time, but the fact that we're still communicating at all says a lot. Heck, it's going to be 10 years coming soon.
As for what makes it harder to share thoughts and feelings, to a certain extent, it's our respective positions in the world, and by "our", I mean mine and other people's. We're all at different stages in life, grown up, found others to love and be loved. Perhaps it is simply a consequence of maturing and becoming an adult, of cherry-picking things even more than usual as we come to understand and realize what is important and what is not, what is relevant and what is not.
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Mine tells me to stop procrastinating so much and to get some guts to do the things I know I need to do but find a bore, a chore and just choose to ignore. It also tells me I need to communicate more with people around me, find some friends here and get out of my comfort zone. I've never felt less motivated to do either of these things.
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Probably being jobless for over a year after a really intense period of two jobs + graduate work + language lessons. I felt like I needed a break but the break sort of pulled me in and now there's this inertia that has set in.
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I can see that.
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