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Ria-DeVrai — Guardian Angel
Published: 2004-06-24 01:23:09 +0000 UTC; Views: 5098; Favourites: 118; Downloads: 1348
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Description The ink splotched as she wrote on a fresh sheet in her notebook. Perhaps she was pressing a bit too hard. Lyrial ripped out the page and stuffed it in her pocket. She stared at the new page and began to start the same letter again. But what was there to say? There was nothing in particular she wanted to write. And would anyone care enough to read it? She doubted it.

Lyrial heard the soft clacking on the hardwood floor as footsteps approached her in the corner of the library. She quickly stuffed her letter under her textbook.

“The library is closing in 10 minutes, Ms. Anderson. I suggest you leave,” the librarian hissed through gritted teeth.

Lyrial watched her retreating back. She was not surprised by her attitude. After all, she was a grumpy old woman who ceased to see much of the world outside this building. Although it might have also had to do with the fact that Lyrial constantly stuck her gum underneath the table, but she chose to ignore that.

She stuck a fresh piece of gum in her mouth and let the flavor wash over her tongue. Lyrial sat there for a few minutes chewing slowly before gathering her belongings and heading home. Outside smelled freshly of rain and puddles hung in the ditches of the sidewalk. It seemed that winters in her town were always stormy and cold. ‘Like me,’ she muttered to herself.

Lyrial was about half way home when she noticed a large, wet splash on her cheek. She welcomed it. She had always loved walking in the rain. The light sprinkling quickly thickened to a fierce downpour, but Lyrial didn’t mind. She kept her path of vision downward, counting the number of squares she walked over.

Suddenly, she felt herself run headlong into something… or rather someone. She bent down to pick up her spilled books and met the cold eyes of Julie Clark, her enemy.

“Well?"
Her voice had always been her worst attribute. It always succeeded in sending chills up Lyrial’s spine.
“Well what?”
“Are you going to pick up my books?”

Lyrial clenched her fists and knew that she knew half moon imprints would be visible in her palms. But she dared not argue. Making her mad would only encourage her to make her life worse than it already was.
Lyrial shoved Julie’s books into her arms and began to walk away, hearing the girl’s wicked sniggering as she passed.

Lyrial ran until she couldn’t see Julie anymore and kicked the ground in rage, splattering muddy water everywhere.
“Was there a reason for that, or were you trying to splash me?”
As Lyrial looked up, she felt the color rise to her cheeks. A teenage boy, about her age, was standing there using his sleeve to wipe off his rain-streaked face.

“I’m sorry,” Lyrial replied in a quiet voice.
“It’s ok. It’s just water.”
Lyrial tried to walk away, but the boy stopped her.
“You’re awfully quick to walking away. Is something the matter?”
She couldn’t understand why a complete stranger would wonder about what was going on her life. No one else had before. Despite the urge to scream out every infantile problem, she replied--
“No.”

The boy looked at her inquisitively, arching an eyebrow. Strangely, Lyrial did not feel intimidated by him like she did with most people. Ignoring her first inclination to stay, Lyrial began walking again. It was a few minutes before she realized that the mysterious boy was walking along side of her.

“What are you doing?” she said, harsher than she meant to be.
“Walking.”
“Well, I would think that was obvious.”
They both ambled along quietly for a few minutes until he broke the silence.
“What’s your name?”
“Lyrial. And yours?”
“Gabriel.”
“Like the angel,” she whispered, unsurely.
“You could say that…”
It was raining harder now, and Gabriel took out a large, blue umbrella and opened it. He tried offering it to Lyrial, but she shook her head.
“I like walking in the rain,” she stated.
“Why?”
“I suppose… I like the way it feels. It lets me know that I’m truly alive.”
He didn’t speak, but simply nodded.
“What’s that?” he asked, pointing to the rain-splattered paper in her jacket. Before Lyrial could move, he had grabbed it and began to read. Lyrial bit her lip, and tasted the sharp tang of blood flooding her mouth. As he read, his eyebrows raised but he maintained an impassive
expression.
“Why did you write that?”
“No one else cares. Why should you?”
“I think that you’re taking what you have for granted.”
“You know nothing about my life.”
“Then tell me,” Gabriel answered, calmly.
Lyrial stared. She took a deep breath and blew it out again, and began speaking.
“You don’t know what it’s like. No one believes that I can do anything and it’s just too much waking up every day wishing that I hadn’t. Basically every dream I’ve ever had was crushed. There’s just no reason…” Lyrial trailed off, tears welling up in her eyes.
Gabriel cupped her chin gently and kissed lightly her on the cheek.
“Then why not prove everyone else wrong? Live your own life.”
Gabriel wiped the tears from Lyrial’s eyes.
“Think about it. If you need me, I’ll know where to find you.”
In an instant, he had disappeared. She took the crumpled note in her hand and read it over. “Dear Mom and Dad, when you read this, I will probably be dead.” Lyrial smiled for the first time in years. She let the letter drift to the ground and continued on her way home, leaving her doubts and fears behind with her letter.
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Comments: 87

OfficialElaineRee [2009-12-16 22:38:32 +0000 UTC]

That was neato, i like how it was done, the feeling it gave off, the reality of it. I'll defiantly check out your other stuff :3

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GaleRider [2009-01-28 13:44:46 +0000 UTC]

Very nice, I'd be happy to read some of your other work...
I'm planning on writing a story here myself,
hope you have a look then

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Yuu-tan [2009-01-22 03:33:15 +0000 UTC]

Wow.

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ElweArnutuile [2007-08-30 20:03:34 +0000 UTC]

That was wonderful... it almost made me cry!

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Yourguilttrip [2006-10-02 20:13:02 +0000 UTC]

this was one of my faves ages ago, dont think i read it properly the first time.. . but its really good i like it

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ReyahFei [2006-07-01 17:50:00 +0000 UTC]

wow... i guess we all reach that end sometime, when we feel there's nothing to live for. but having someone tell you you're important is what brightenes anyone's day. very nice story.

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wattersk [2006-06-05 03:44:31 +0000 UTC]

A bit cliched, and I wasn't too fond of how she just suddenly changed in the last paragraph, but it was an okay read.

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raena-nayrue [2006-04-16 00:47:15 +0000 UTC]

beautiful. simply beautiful.

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FILS2 [2006-02-03 19:46:37 +0000 UTC]

awsome, i was left completly speechless, instant fave

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Burnheart [2005-12-21 21:40:05 +0000 UTC]

That's amazing!

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Muki-chan [2005-12-16 18:40:21 +0000 UTC]

Wow. Absolutely wow. The quality of this reminds me of how I wrote in my freshman year of high school (not sure if I've imporved at all, however).

Such a coincidence (or is it?) that I read your story just to pass the time, and yet I found that it included Gabriel, my favourite angel. This also really moved me to tears, especially the ending. The only problem is is that I'm at school, so I don't want to start crying here.

Thank you so much for writing this. It really, really shows that a simple act of kindness (and being persistent about it) can help.

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angeljackline [2005-11-26 23:19:58 +0000 UTC]

Really nice i like it

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CalimaX [2005-11-10 18:50:18 +0000 UTC]

Beautiful.

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Tidun [2005-11-05 10:14:31 +0000 UTC]

This is brilliant, i love it. i like the guardian angel link, someone being there to look after you no matter how bad your life is

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SimeeeC [2005-10-16 09:36:33 +0000 UTC]

That is THE COOLEST preview picture for anything I have seen yet. you must have spent so damn long on making that.

And then the story, brilliant, amasing, beutiful, interesting, awsome! not much else.

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SimeeeC In reply to SimeeeC [2005-10-16 09:37:59 +0000 UTC]

I mean... lotta must have spent ages making it.

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Sprog [2005-10-14 11:44:58 +0000 UTC]

Well...

Wow.


Uhm *stumbles on his own words*


I dont normally stick around DA much, I havnt written in ages. I though I'd search for teh most loved prose, and yours is at the top... And no surprise there, its *awesome*


MY eyes welled up, with a light form of empathy, and a filled bucket of inspiration.


Awesome story. Not keen on the religious connatations, but then, I'm atheist so dont take that as a negative point. *grins*

Awesome.

I love it! Fav'ed!

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Ria-DeVrai In reply to Sprog [2005-10-16 22:50:59 +0000 UTC]

Actually, I'm not religious. It would seem that way though, wouldn't it? I'm simply a fan of the supernatural and I consider angels separate from Christianity. But then again, I wrote this in the naivete of my freshman year, so it ended up a little too candy for my taste now.

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writerchick99 [2005-10-10 02:07:47 +0000 UTC]

short and sweet, I like it a lot.

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Shylenmeu [2005-08-29 20:57:04 +0000 UTC]

Very nicely done, I have to say that your attention to detail is quite lovely. One part that sticks out in my mind is when you wrote that she had half moon imprints on her palm after clenching her hands. That's a very interesting way of putting it. I really can't find anything at all about this piece that isn't done impeccably except for one tiny thing. The name Lyrial is repeated a smidge too often, but that's it. Wonderful work.

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DayBreakMaster [2005-06-27 08:14:09 +0000 UTC]

A Angel giving advice. A touching story.

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ambi-chan [2005-06-23 03:17:25 +0000 UTC]

Amazing story

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Asathon [2005-06-04 18:04:10 +0000 UTC]

I like this one. It feels a bit rushed, but is still good. A favorite.

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XsNikken [2005-01-26 05:36:14 +0000 UTC]

beautiful.

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Scooz87 [2005-01-08 16:59:27 +0000 UTC]

that was a nice lil short story though it could use abit more detail to make it seem more realistic. i don't think girls spill their life randomly to boys they walk into, we are too complicated, hahaha. but all in all, it was a cute lil story and i liked it. keep working on it, the more you write the better you will get.

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Kantele [2004-12-13 17:11:56 +0000 UTC]

Excellent story with a good message. Very well written.

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Fishfu [2004-12-13 05:06:57 +0000 UTC]

I must say that this is supurb. The only thing that sticks out in my mind that displeases me is the word "enemy." It's not that the word is wrong it is just that I rather dislike that word. But that is just me. It does fit the story. Great job. I hope to read more of your stories in the future, and I hope that each one is better than the one before.

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drayfae [2004-11-09 02:23:18 +0000 UTC]

interesting......very interesting.....

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LiGhTNeMeSiS [2004-11-03 09:06:11 +0000 UTC]

Nice work, well written I loved it should of received first place lol do you have a copy of the story that beaten yours i want to see it

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Ria-DeVrai In reply to LiGhTNeMeSiS [2004-11-03 23:26:48 +0000 UTC]

Thank you! And I have a copy in a printed book, but not online. Her entry was very well written. I liked her's better than mine.

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SharpEdge [2004-10-08 01:35:24 +0000 UTC]

Wow.. this is so very beautiful. Another instant fave.

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Ria-DeVrai In reply to SharpEdge [2004-10-08 03:04:51 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

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RonoxQ [2004-09-30 11:28:38 +0000 UTC]

That was really good. It only won second? I'd have given it first.

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Ria-DeVrai In reply to RonoxQ [2004-09-30 23:13:51 +0000 UTC]

haha. Thank you so much.

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WindShaman [2004-09-14 17:33:19 +0000 UTC]

Very well done, it captures the girls feeling of relief when she released the note and let it fall on the ground at the end..... I know that feeling....

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Ria-DeVrai In reply to WindShaman [2004-09-14 23:40:21 +0000 UTC]

Aw. I hope you don't have thoughts of suicide. I don't think anyone should have to go through something like that. Thanks so much for the comments and the watch. It's much appreciated.
~Ria

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WindShaman In reply to Ria-DeVrai [2004-09-15 16:47:46 +0000 UTC]

I have had them in the past, but things have recently gotten a whole lot better.

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TheSilverBlood [2004-09-11 02:08:23 +0000 UTC]

That is beautiful, there is no other way to put it.

The meaning in the story could be the best i have seen.

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Ria-DeVrai In reply to TheSilverBlood [2004-09-11 03:59:35 +0000 UTC]

Wow, thank you so much!

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ohnojaylo [2004-07-29 21:12:27 +0000 UTC]

This is a great short story. Its not often I see something with direction on DA. Do you mind if I make a quick critique?

You start off great, and in fact, the whole story is great save for a few things.

You showed that she is trying to write something she wasnt sure how to write or even if she should write it. But I would take the time in this paragraph to instill a bit of the character's own feelings into her task, not just logical assumptions she would make. This is an emotional time, and the logical assumptions not only make us unaware of her true feelings, they also give away the rest of the story. To do this, eliminate the logical statements and write as if she were telling the story through you. Also put a bit of imagery in there for an extra punch: "She blinked as the ink splotched on the paper. Upon removing her hand she saw the indent where she had pressed the pen too hard and had forgotten about it." Was she disappointed or surprised or what about what had happened? Frustrated? Show a bit of that as she crumples up the paper and shoves it in her pocket. "Why was she writing? Now that she had the pen and the paper and the time and place to write, she still didn't know what to say." Adding the question about if anyone would read it gives away the story immediately, and also the uselessness of such a statement. When someone writes a suicide note, it will most likely be read because it is essential in an investigation of cause of death, especially if the suicide is carried out. It also gives way to what she was writing prematurely to her meeting with Gabriel.

Small things like the flavor of the bubblegum, the sound of the rain, the scent in the air...all of these things you and I experience, and so should your characters. Hint to them through your characters eyes, and reiterate how she feels about them through her own senses.

Her confrontation with Julie does show a bit of her troubles, but it isnt enough to want to commit suicide over and its definetly not anything to further the story in an interesting way. I think you should use the time you spend on Julie on your main character's own brooding thoughts. Also, the accidental encounter of two people in a row just makes your character seem less than perceptive, and its a bit cliche.

I would leave the "bumping into" for a more important character, namely Gabriel. He obviously is the turning point for the character. But during his encounter your character has a sudden change of heart and trusts him enough to give her name. Anyone in their right mind, especially someone pent up in their own thoughts and depressed emotions, would have told him to flat out buzz off, especially in this day and age when talking to strangers isnt the safest thing to do. I would save the "life saving advice" for when she discovers he isnt exactly human, which wouldnt be on the street ten seconds after she met him. I dont know how you would do it, but maybe in his desperateness to help her, he appears to her in her room or in her house or something where the conversation would continue with his discovering the letter.

So yeah, just be sure to bring your audience into the character. It's nice to be told how she feels, or even given an inkling to how she feels or what she does, but its even better to FEEL what she feels, to DO what she does. Otherwise, the story has nothing to offer the audience than what it is...a nice story.

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Ria-DeVrai In reply to ohnojaylo [2004-07-29 22:56:50 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the critique. I actually realized the majority of the stuff you said a while after I wrote it. I usually don't change stories more than about a month after because I like to see how I progress in my writing skill. This story was actually written two years ago, so I'm not really that happy with the story line and the writing style much. I still posted it though because it was one of the few stories I've actually completed. I just have it as the featured deviation because it's the one that got the most response. I realize that it's rather surreal, that this would definately not happen in real life, my writing style is lacking, and that the characters lack real personalities, but keep in mind that I was a freshman when I wrote it. But thanks for the critiques. I'll keep them in mind for future stories.
~Ria DV

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ohnojaylo In reply to Ria-DeVrai [2004-07-29 23:05:49 +0000 UTC]

Advice from "Dare to be a Great Writer": Always keep writing, and dont fall in love with your work.

I think the best way to prepare yourself for future works is to edit the ones you have already written. I have several written stories on the shelf that I am now re-reading and editing, from four years ago. I dont plan to publish them, but editing your stories is one of the most important steps to conditioning yourself for publishment. It will help you in the future as you write more stores as it creates a subconscious tendency to not make those mistakes again, instead of having to go back to the work as you write and try to figure out what idiosyncrisies (sp?) you create.

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Ria-DeVrai In reply to ohnojaylo [2004-07-29 23:13:33 +0000 UTC]

Thanks so much for the advice. I try to write continuously and I don't really like any of my work so much to think that anything is beyond critique. That's why I prefer people to tell me what they think is wrong about it because it helps me improve. And while I don't edit old stories, I'll reread and make mental critiques. I like to make notes on how to improve future stories and then focus more on that instead of going through and editing details like word choice and such. I save that for editing current works and then I can see if I've improved in comparison to my older stories. It's just a personal thing. But thank you for commenting. I appreciate it.

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damia [2004-07-14 13:46:43 +0000 UTC]

aw, very creative, things like that happened everyday too. hmm

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lonewolfMJ [2004-07-12 19:37:40 +0000 UTC]

Your story I ment...not the picture. *slaps self*

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lonewolfMJ [2004-07-12 19:32:03 +0000 UTC]

Your story I ment...not the picture. *slaps self*

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lonewolfMJ [2004-07-12 19:29:40 +0000 UTC]

I am completely and utterly touched by this piece. The wings and explisit detail are trully amazing and capturing. *hugs tightly* I love this.

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Phifty [2004-07-10 14:55:38 +0000 UTC]

Very nice, you need to double check your grammar and tenses however.

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Darknessrevenge [2004-07-08 22:25:47 +0000 UTC]

awesome work. Its really gorgeous. Keep it up. Fav.

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DragonLily4 [2004-07-06 03:59:37 +0000 UTC]

Wow...absolutely amazing...I know how she feels...went through that a few years ago....Can't wait to see more of your work...(off to your gallery)
Peace be with you
HUGS!
Lindsey

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