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Published: 2010-07-09 05:41:33 +0000 UTC; Views: 395; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 1
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Chapter One: Just Another Day"Jake Meral, don't you think just because you can run faster than me means you can get away from detention!" Mrs. Harper, the Dean of Students yelled from the detention room. Jake was trying to ditch again, like he always does. He never gets away with it though, no matter how fast her got Mrs. Harper could always beat him by walking through the walls.
"Gotcha!" Even all the way in detention we could hear the Dean's triumphant cry. As usual, we all quickly snickered and whispered while we had the opportunity, until we heard her coming. Unfortunately, not all of use can close our mouths very fast, as the kid sitting next to me just could stop laughing even after Mrs. Harper was within earshot.
"Is something funny Billy?" She demanded as she stomped back into the room, dragging Jake by his ear.
"No, ma'am." he nervously replied, no longer with even the slightest trace of humor.
"Don't make me remind any of you why you are in here again or I swear, I'll assign another full week to ya'!"
I well remember why I was in here. A couple of months ago, my girlfriend dumped me. When I came home that night, I was in such a frenzy, that I destroyed every metal object in my house, almost bringing it down upon myself. That was also the day I found out I had this power. Not long after the Professor found me, and invited me into his school for extraordinarily gifted humans. Even with his help, I still had trouble keeping my ex-girlfriend as even a friend. I desperately didn't want her to be out of my life, but every time I tried to tell her that, all I got was her same old response about needing more space. One day, I had been a little careless and one of the school bullies followed me home, and found out about my problems. The next day at school he tried to use that as an insult, and when he did I lost control of my anger nearly killing him. Despite what he said, I'm still glad the support beans I broke didn't collapse enough of the building to kill him.
"Stanly! Didn't you hear the Professor? Get up here right now!" Mrs. Harper yelled from her desk. The Professor was patiently sitting in his wheelchair up at the front of the classroom, staring at me. He must of come in when I was daydreaming about my past I thought to myself.
"Hu? Oh, sorry I didn't hear you. I'll be right up." I called, half in a panic and half in confusion. I had no clue why the professor had called me to the front.
Don't worry, you're not in trouble. The thought was so strong, it was almost as if I thought it myself. It took me a second, but I then realized that the professor could communicate telepathically.
"I hate it when you do that." I thought back. The entire class stared at me as if I was an idiot. Apparently I said that out loud.
Caesar Eldon Kane was given the title "Professor" after establishing his school for the Extraordinarily Gifted Humans as an honor to what he had accomplished. The Professor has been around for many years since then, and it shows. He no longer has any hair up on his head, and has to move himself around in a wheelchair. Despite these disadvantages, he still attempts to keep himself decent by always wearing a formal black and blue suit and keeping his desk as well as his possessions clean. The only catch to that, was he made me feel uncomfortable, as I only dress as any typical teenager would, T-shirt and jeans. And that's not even going into the monster of a locker I keep.
It didn't take us long to reach his office, the detention room was just around the corner from it. When we entered, I was surprised by the view of his windows that covered almost the entire far wall. From sitting in his office, anyone could see almost the entire from lawn of the school, which that it'self was pretty impressive. I didn't get to enter the Professor's office very ofter, so I took my time examining the surroundings. In the middle of the room sat a rather large, executive desk with two equally as magnificent lounge chairs facing the large window. Everyone other wall, even the one with the door on it, was one giant bookcase, filled with books.
"Take a seat," the Professor offered after he wheeled himself around to his desk.
Sitting down, I realized how comfortable the lounge chairs really were, and the temptation to slump down was irresistible. But, this was the Professor's office after all, so I decided not to.
"Now, I called you in here to discuss your recent behavior involving your ex-girlfriend," he began.
Oh great! I thought he said I wasn't in trouble!
The Professor chuckled from hearing my thought, "No, no. You're not in trouble. This is to discuss what we are going to do now. I heard you saw her recently, without permission. Is this true?"
I went pale out of shock. All I could manage was to nod.
"You realize you were not supposed to see her for a while, least of all were you supposed to show her your powers."
That took me by surprise. "How on earth did you find that out? Did you have me followed?"
He leaned back to pause for a moment, thinking. "Perhaps I should just come out and tell you. Mari, you can come in now." he said in a loud enough voice to be heard from outside. Then, much to my amazement, my ex-girlfriend Mari Daniel Smith walked in. All I could do was stare in awe, not even noticing my mouth cracked open. She glanced over at me, then blushed and hurried down into the other seat.
"Thank you for agreeing to this Mari." The Professor turned to look back at me, "Now Stanly, you had unknowingly been dating someone who is just like you. She might not control metal, but she can create electric fields telepathically. Would you mind demonstrating Mari?"
Mari opened her mouth as in to protest, but nothing came out. After a short moment of self pity, she turned to face me and put her hands up. "Try and reach through my arms."
I glanced at the professor, and after receiving a nod I turned to face her as well. Slowly, I moved my hand towards her. Just as I got close to her chair, a bright flash of light and a static charge sent my arm recoiling back to me.
"Are you alright?" Mari asked, almost instinctively.
"It didn't hurt, it just was surprising" I answered, feeling a bit numb in my hand.
"It makes for great self defense, but she can also throw her fields at targets of her choosing. With some practice, she should be able to make more than one, and keep them stable," he Professor elaborated. He motioned for Mari to put her hands down, and without hesitation she put them back in her lap. "After you showed her your power," he started again, now looking at me, "she followed you back here. I was just going for a stroll around the yard when I saw her. I noticed I hadn't seen her around before, so I asked her to join me in my office. She was very apologetic, and explained everything to me. When she demonstrated that she too had powers, I offered to let her enroll in the school."
My mind went bonkers! My ex-girlfriend not only had powers like me, but was also attending the same school as me! What am I going to do...?
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Comments: 10
MidoriiBlue [2010-10-29 18:19:47 +0000 UTC]
I agree with the previous comments that you have some grammar issues, but that can be easily fixed with a little work and some mistakes you could catch yourself I think if you read through it carefully...like where you used "bean" but it should be "beam."
I think you need to add some more imagery to your writing as well, its a little bland in that respect.
Overall this isn't a bad start, but I can't shake the similarity to the X-Men storyline....there are just too many - the school, the powers, the professor (telepathic, bald, and in a wheelchair). Although your base story and characters may be unique, you need to re-think those aspects that bring the well known X-Men storyline to the reader's mind.
Good luck!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
SamousWebmaster In reply to MidoriiBlue [2010-10-30 20:42:54 +0000 UTC]
Thank you so much for this comment. It's been a while since I've worked on this, but when I get some time I plan on revising it, especially adding imagery, removing much of the x-men aspect, and fixing grammatical errors.
The reason this seams so similar to X-men, most likely has to do with the fact that it was. When I started writing this, it was more of a X-men continuation, a fan-fic if you may. But, I soon decided that I didn't like having the relation to X-men (especially for copyright reasons ) and changed it a little (not as much as I wanted, but enough to post it online without needing to call it a fan-fic). I'm going to go through the story and change as much as I can to make it fit my new storyline, not the X-men series.
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MidoriiBlue In reply to SamousWebmaster [2010-11-01 03:52:25 +0000 UTC]
No problem!
Well, that makes sense then. Doing a fan-fic is fine but the in between fan-fic and original gets a little fishy for me. I am glad you have figured out the direction you want to go then.
Best of luck in making it your own!!
Cheers!!
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eco-r1 [2010-08-08 02:35:54 +0000 UTC]
You might want to double-check your grammar, it's very distracting. It's "could have", not "could of"; little things like that. I also think that the entry into the character's backstory was a little jarring and the first part seems irrelevant; have you tried starting with the principal's office, putting exposition in dialogue, and moving on from there? You could get nearly everything said so far into a lecture from the principal and an entertainingly awkward Jake/Mari conversation.
You have a solid concept here that has the potential to be very entertaining so long as you're careful not to let it look like an X-men ripoff. Good luck.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
SamousWebmaster In reply to eco-r1 [2010-10-30 20:50:12 +0000 UTC]
Sorry it's taken me this long to get back to this comment, I've been really busy and putting off working on this book
Yeah sorry about the X-men ripoff thing, originally it was going to be a continuation of X-men, a fan-fic if you may, but then I realized that the story I was writing had almost nothing to do with X-men, so I did a quick run through and edited out the tiny details that directly related it to X-men. I plan to go through it again and completely remove X-men similarities, and fix a bunch of grammar, as well as add more imagery.
The back-story of Jake's life was more something that was supposed to be important later in the book, foreshadowing really, and it explained a little about how his feelings were. I like you're idea about starting in the principals office, but I'm sure about how I'd hook that in (which isn't my biggest problem, I'll be able to create a hook later, they aren't too hard). Specifically though, what 'first part seems irrelevant' ?
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eco-r1 In reply to SamousWebmaster [2010-11-01 09:31:56 +0000 UTC]
All of it.
The ditching detention scene serves no purpose and you should probably shift the origin story into dialogue. It's not info we need right away. (If he has a conversation with his ex-girlfriend you can imply half of it in tone and put the rest in natural-sounding dialogue.)
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SamousWebmaster In reply to eco-r1 [2010-11-02 01:51:06 +0000 UTC]
Yeah, that is a good idea. Again, I'm not sure how to formulate it at this time, but I'll start rough drafting it in class this week, hopefully get a good idea down. Thanks one more time for the help, it's appreciated.
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ibaneztributer [2010-08-08 02:23:58 +0000 UTC]
Wow, this is pretty spectacular! I love your writing style, but there were a few too many errors, almost to the point that it interrupted with the flow of the story. Besides that, I think it's great. Keep working at it!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
SamousWebmaster In reply to ibaneztributer [2010-10-30 20:44:20 +0000 UTC]
Sorry it's taken me this long to get back to this comment, I've been really busy and putting off working on this book
anyways, thank you for the comment. I plan to go back and fix the errors soon, and hopefully add more imagery.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0