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ScriptWeaver β 1: The Retreating Falls
by-nc-nd
Published: 2011-06-10 23:28:46 +0000 UTC; Views: 558; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 3
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Description
A wall of stone fell towards the sky, in the mist the cliff had no limit, the ceiling of the world was a monotone gray. The floor of the world faded as well, vapor devoured the earth far below. In this place between stone, sky, and earth, water tumbled from some hidden place above, to it's fate below. The only hint of Earth was a muffled roar below, where worn boulders broke the waters fall. The air tasted like rain.Troy Silver let his weight rest against the green railing that protected the tourist of Niagara falls. What a bore, he thought, we travel all over the U.S see all the "sights", go to all the "great" landmarks of our country and we don't even get to see them in the freaking sunlight! I can hardly see my hands, let alone the stupid falls. He sat there fuming about his family's bad luck. Which of course meant that his sister had to pipe up.
"Isn't it grand?" Helen commented twirling as strand of her midnight hair. She thinks she's so perfect.
"Really?" Troy muttered, "You can see around that ego of yours?"
"Dad!"
Shit.
"Troy if your going to be a stick in the mud go back to the truck." Dad warned. Troy huffed a tuft of raven hair away from his darkened-blue eyes. His father was a wiry man, tall and disconnected. Stuck in the past, or perhaps planning the future, he never seemed to be concerned with the present. Not that Troy cared, he longed to break awayΒ Β from his past and run away into the wall of water. But it seemed that he was destined for lesser things. His past stuck to him like a burr, never leaving, not quite painful, but down right annoying. Why did it have to pester him so much?
"I wish mom was around to see this," Helen sighed, "she would have really enjoyed it." Her words struck Troy heavily in the chest, and burned.
"I wish I knew her," he whispered in reply. They all stood there for a moment, shifting their feet, sharing their pain in silence. Helen started to cry.
"Oh," she whined, "its...its just not fair."
Troy lowered his head, hating himself a little more. She had died giving birth to him. It wasn't a fair trade.
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Comments: 64
Thank you very much. Your feedback was insightful and very helpful. I understand the confusion and that was somewhat my point in opening the way I did. It's one of the only things I'm keeping word for word in the rewrite. I totally agree with the idea of pacing landscape with atmosphere and need to work on that more 
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^^" but seriously, floating rock island were right there in my mind...! I'm glad my feedback was helpful. 
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XD It's always a battle to write any prose isn't it? I have a serious case of procrastination. XD
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FINALLY getting around to reviewing this. Here I am one of the dudes who suggested this group and I'm the one participating the least! *slap* Bad Zero, bad!
*ahem* so anyways, back to business. I'm gonna start this off by saying that I love the paradox/contradiction/whatsit in the first line. The bit about falling towards the sky seemed strangely poetic, and I liked it. It drew me in.
"he longed to break away from his past and run away into the wall of water. But it seemed that he was destined for lesser things."
--This could be one sentence. Just add a comma between "water" and "but." Sentences usually shouldn't start with a conjunction.
Now, I'd say this is a pretty good hook into the story. You mention stuff like fate and the past and future, and it makes me want to know more. Some suggestions I do have though:
For one, Troy is dangerously close to being agonizingly whiney right off the bat. I suppose he has a right to, but get some character development in here fast before the reader blows him off as being a type-cast ball of angst. If this is indeed the first chapter of something, I suggest using chapter two to flesh Troy out into someone the reader can relate to.
You've got plenty of time to salvage Troy though. For improving this chapter specifically, I'd recommend maybe talking more about his family. Let's get some more dialogue between he and his sister; show us why he seems to hate her so much. If she has an obnoxious ego that gets in the way of her seeing things from Troy's perspective, give us more to she that than a hair toss and Troy bitching about her in his head for one sentence. Don't get me wrong, I like the brother vs. sister dynamic, and I can see where you may go with it, just give us a little more to draw us in.
Same with his dad; give us something to she why he's so stuck in the past like Troy says instead of just saying it. Getting to see some actual dialogue between the two of them would go a long way methinks.
One last thing: I wouldn't stick with the dropping the "mommy died because I came out sideways or something" bomb quite yet. Keep us on the edge instead of just handing us the seed behind the guilt tree straight away. Like, maybe you can suggest that he feels guilty for what happened to his mother, and show that the family is sad because of something bad happening, but don't tell us she's dead just yet and certainly don't tell us why until at least a little later. That's just me saying though. I think that could add a little suspense to tide us over into the next chapter and keep us wanting more at least until the next installment.
So, is there more of this yet? I'm interested to see what this is all about. If more chapters show up in Word Smithing, I'll be eager to read them over!
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XD Thank you so much! Wow! Wonderful feedback. I'll be sure to address all of these when I rewrite this chapter. As for your final question yes there are more chapters but they're nowhere near where I'd like them to be. I'm going to start the process of rewriting them all (eventually X.X darn procrastination).
X.X I need to read most of the stories in the group too. Sorry about that.
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Ouch, I can just feel that Angst.
Only thing I noticed.
"He sat their fuming about his family's bad luck." It's easy to get those three words mixed up. In that sentence I'd use there because it's sort of describing location, not possession.
I like the intro, it makes me want to read on so I can get inside the head of this dark haired blue eyed angry boy. The way you described the dad reminds me of myself XD
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XD Silly you, you don't get introduced until later. 
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There is a great hook on this piece. I was wondering where it was going as I read it but it got me into the story. Great job.
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It took me a little while to realize that this was a small part of something bigger XD Whoops! As of now, I think it's just too short, but I'm guessing the later chapters start to get longer and have more content in them, right? Basically the length is my only complaint, but I'm really excited to see where this goes! It seems like this is a good intro to something that's going to be really great!
Keep it coming
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XD Yeah, this is by far the shortest chapter. I won't lie I hate the next few but it gets better soon.
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Yep, seeing this in the group gallery. I've got to say, there's not much I can say because it's short, and I think my comment from last time still stands. I do have a few thoughts though, looking back over this. I'm trying to see where the narrative hooks are in this. Yes, its a social scene which makes hooks hard, but the thought that comes across is "typical family drama" sort. I'll have to do some looking into your story though. Again, this is a very short first chapter, which makes it hard to work with. But I'll get something to you.
In the meantime, what are your thoughts, as the author, for this scene? What purpose is it for?
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As far as my thoughts go this chapter is fairly slow paced. However I feel it is the most effective chapter as far as it's purpose goes. It's job was to be a basic introduction to the main character and his family relations. The label that you gave it as "typical family drama" was exactly what I was going for here. It's purpose was to give the character a sense of normality so he'd be easier to relate to. I do feel a sense of awkwardness with my own writing now though. I feel I can improve but every time I try my writing comes out just as flat.
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Ah, I see where you're going there. Making your character feel normal and sympathetic is a good goal, but I'd advise to have a few differences from the norm. After all, the reader doesn't always want to read what happens everyday. Just a thought. That, and to a older reader, this sort of sibling rivalry can be seen as annoying. Still, I think you can get this idea of yours across by contrasting the two siblings. Show some examples of how she's better than him, as well as some examples as to why he seems himself as a failure. Also, the parents attitudes towards each child is crucial too.
A lot of writing is just about continuing to write. It's a slow process, and the frustration comes when you have the ideas, but the lack of means to execute them. Don't worry about it, just keep writing. Improvement comes over time, and this is something you've just got to stick at.
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Thanks.
X.X I'll try. I probably won't be able to post anything for a while but I'll keep at it. 
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You're welcome.
No worries, take your time.
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As of the edit, I'd say be careful with long sentences, particularly in descriptions. They can slow the pacing down, so be sure to watch the length.
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Thanks.
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I like the improvents you made here. :] Very inconspicious, but it has a good overall effect on the text. The words seem to be a bit smoother, the scene a bit clearer. I had no problem with the original text, but very good all the same.
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Thanks.
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Never mind, sorry I didnt see that there were more chapters
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What is the whole story going to be about?
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You'll have to read and see. I promise my writing gets better as I go. This is my first novel so I'm still working out my artistic kinks.
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I completely understand! I have the same problem. It good though! Keep up the good work.
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Thanks! Im working on developing a new idea for a story. Its still in the works but I can tell its going to be a good one.
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I can't wait either. I still haven't fully formed the idea yet.
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yeah, I'm in the same boat.
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I just have to get motivated enough to get things together.
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Lol, it seems procrastination is a job requirement for writers.
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Exactly! It really is. It just comes with the territory.
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I'm glad it does. If it didn't I could never be a writer!
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Me too, I think it would be a lot harder
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Yeah, we have enough deadlines already.
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This sets the mood quite well.
I'm interested to see what happens next.
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Thank you. I hope it suprises you!
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