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Published: 2011-06-10 23:28:46 +0000 UTC; Views: 558; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 3
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Description
A wall of stone fell towards the sky, in the mist the cliff had no limit, the ceiling of the world was a monotone gray. The floor of the world faded as well, vapor devoured the earth far below. In this place between stone, sky, and earth, water tumbled from some hidden place above, to it's fate below. The only hint of Earth was a muffled roar below, where worn boulders broke the waters fall. The air tasted like rain.Troy Silver let his weight rest against the green railing that protected the tourist of Niagara falls. What a bore, he thought, we travel all over the U.S see all the "sights", go to all the "great" landmarks of our country and we don't even get to see them in the freaking sunlight! I can hardly see my hands, let alone the stupid falls. He sat there fuming about his family's bad luck. Which of course meant that his sister had to pipe up.
"Isn't it grand?" Helen commented twirling as strand of her midnight hair. She thinks she's so perfect.
"Really?" Troy muttered, "You can see around that ego of yours?"
"Dad!"
Shit.
"Troy if your going to be a stick in the mud go back to the truck." Dad warned. Troy huffed a tuft of raven hair away from his darkened-blue eyes. His father was a wiry man, tall and disconnected. Stuck in the past, or perhaps planning the future, he never seemed to be concerned with the present. Not that Troy cared, he longed to break awayΒ Β from his past and run away into the wall of water. But it seemed that he was destined for lesser things. His past stuck to him like a burr, never leaving, not quite painful, but down right annoying. Why did it have to pester him so much?
"I wish mom was around to see this," Helen sighed, "she would have really enjoyed it." Her words struck Troy heavily in the chest, and burned.
"I wish I knew her," he whispered in reply. They all stood there for a moment, shifting their feet, sharing their pain in silence. Helen started to cry.
"Oh," she whined, "its...its just not fair."
Troy lowered his head, hating himself a little more. She had died giving birth to him. It wasn't a fair trade.
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Comments: 64
XxSilentseerxX In reply to ??? [2011-09-18 03:03:08 +0000 UTC]
Love the descriptions and the characters! Espically Troy he reminds me of one the characters I thought up lol I can really relate to the characters which defiantly helps me get into the story. Overall a wonderful job!!!
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ScriptWeaver In reply to XxSilentseerxX [2011-09-18 03:09:08 +0000 UTC]
Yeah he's kind of a Debby Downer huh? Glad you like it. Actualy there's something you can help me with. I want to keep his character farily constant for the first several chapters. Any feedback would help alot.
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XxSilentseerxX In reply to ScriptWeaver [2011-09-18 03:11:16 +0000 UTC]
Sure I'll read and let you know
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ScriptWeaver In reply to XxSilentseerxX [2011-09-18 03:12:40 +0000 UTC]
tytytytytytytyty!
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J-RavenEye In reply to ??? [2011-06-20 18:39:51 +0000 UTC]
You have a talent in descriptive writing. Your characters are belivable and I am intereted to see how the gamma ray burst is connected to Troy. I can tell that this will be a good story
One tiny spelling mistake I could see, in "or pehaps planing the future" Im pretty sure its spelt planning.
Sorry I didn't reply sooner, the internet went down for a few days here.
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chao195 In reply to ??? [2011-06-16 23:39:44 +0000 UTC]
i have to say this is very good. i believe this is better than this i like the detail it gives me a good mental picture.
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W-Lupus [2011-06-16 23:26:19 +0000 UTC]
One little gramatical issue - an angel, not a angel. I'm sure that's a typo.
Anyway, in relation to the prologue, I'm curious to see how this links with it. The events are well described, yet I'd be careful about how they link. Though, in the first chapter of any story, these links should not yet be immediatly cleared. The opening paragraph is particulary well constructed, with good imagery.
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ScriptWeaver In reply to W-Lupus [2011-06-17 02:40:53 +0000 UTC]
Thanks I'll fix that gramatical problem. As for the connections you'll just have to see...
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W-Lupus In reply to ScriptWeaver [2011-06-17 09:12:30 +0000 UTC]
Indeed I will. You're welcome.
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ScriptWeaver In reply to ??? [2011-06-14 22:26:49 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! I might just take you up on that!
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LightInMyMind [2011-06-14 04:59:42 +0000 UTC]
It is excellent I say. Talented writing indeed. You're dialogue is very good, stop being so hard on yourself!
In the first paragraph, I think "plain" should be plane. If you're going to argue about the flying plane, it also means another dimension of reality, sort of your intended effect I think.
The grammar also needs a little work. If you let me, I would edit it if you would like.
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