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suzi9mm — game
Published: 2004-09-05 07:40:35 +0000 UTC; Views: 30216; Favourites: 232; Downloads: 7828
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Description
we played the gamelike a dance
across the dancefloor
it was sweet
i bit my lip
for you
to taste the bitterness in my mouth
that is how serious
of a play it was
round and round
it was a good tango
and
finished with the most violent of moves
a tear would run down
my surprised face
i was only defeated
when you made me come
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Comments: 215
Fantastic photo, even greater poem. The wording is simple, but to the point. Takes a true poet to be able to do that. Great job.
Sam
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the picture goes along with it perfectly ... nice job!!
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good work... I like. If you get fav's it might be because more people are likely to visit this peice of work as you are widely known for you're other.... but hey... why should that stop people liking your work?? As for the Finnish thing.... pfffttt. It is a simple peice of work with a lot of imagary to it. (not simple in a bad way!)
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"Finnish thing"?
Yritätkö kenties sanoa jotakin kriittistä..?
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just because someone said something about the favs and comments being because you were Finnish.. I think?
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And it isn't my poem, but I am Finnish, incidentally.
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hmm....must have got a comment mixed up somewhere and sent it to the wrong person... it was supposed to be to suzi...oh well.
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Its only your second poem?awsome,keep at it,I'm not a poetry critic(my poems should prove that
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lyrical
very visual
sensual
and
anticlimactic
sad?
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I like it very much that your not centered on one form of art and , write poetry. I liked this poem very much and it inspired me... thanks for submiting such a good work
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i really like this.
the image goes so well with the poem
you did a great job.
i really like it.
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****, that was great. Really. I loved it.
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oh God, this is beautiful!!!! I would LOVE to model for you!
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Better than my second poem *thumbs up* Its actually fairly economical and direct. Even though the imagery is somewhat simple, I don't see any unnecessary pictures or tangents like I see in a lot of poems either.
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thats sexxi stuff Jen. Did you take the photograph too?
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no it's a stock, my description has a link to it.
jen
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This is awesome..
love the pose and neg space..
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sorry... i want to say something anywho....?
i find this piece brilliant... and Andre B. and Josh
are geniuses in thier right!
SO YOU GO GIRL!
~scout~
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i'm generally crap at commenting on poems... so really, all I can say is that I like it 
.maggie
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I won't critique it because of the option you chose, but I hope you're satisfied with the fact you just got 90 something favorites on an "okay" poem - just because your username happens to be "suzi9mm". I have to say I agree with BamseIsUnix on this one..
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fisrt i thought i wouldn't comment on this, i usually don't.
your comment is fairly cruel between the lines, considering i didn't buy this account, i am who i am, and i don't control the way people behave, i'm just doing my thing. maybe we should ask if i can take comments like this just because "my username happens to be suzi9mm"? the answer is i can, i just wanted to express my thoughts.
jen
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Ehdottomasti kaunein ja hehkuvin eroottinen runo minkä ikinä olen lukenut. Tämä on niin passiivinen jollain tavalla, unenomaisen romanttinen; kuvakieli ilmestyy lukijalle kuin varjot, antaen osan merkityksestä ensin, joka luo hitaasti ymmärryksen. Todella omaperäistä ja soljuvaa, tätä runous on! Ihmeellistä että et ole enemmän kijroitellut, tämä on kuin sanojen tanssi.
Ja nyt seuraa analyysi enkuksi, if you don't mind. 
we played the game / like a dance / across the dancefloor; the innocence in these opening lines is very ironic, but not in a harsh, sarcastic way. It's gentle, even though it creates a metaphor that at this point the reader can't understand. The lines convey nothing more than a dance across a floor, in physical terms; but there are innuendos and tonal elements that begin to unravel the sexual implications.
The first is 'the game'; the definite article assumes a singular, unique event (i.e. sex), which "a game" would not have conveyed. The connotations of 'game' are of playfulness, fun and freedom on one hand, but politics and appearance on the other; both positive and negative meanings are used here, and very well too. The positivity comes out through the words 'played' and ' dance', both positive terms of free, jovial movement. A further positive element is the image of a couple dancing across a dancefloor, introducing romance into the equation.
And indeed the positive context is definitely topmost here (hence the irony); the negative context is only very subtly implied. The main tool of this is the way you've broken up the lines; if we were to assume that the second line were to be in brackets, or removed completely, the lines would read: We played the game across the dancefloor. This mixing of imagery and metaphors has in it a kind of soft conflict; games are usually played over some kind of surface, like a chessboard, but here that board is a dancefloor, a stage of human emotion and interaction. In that sense, the 'game' is no longer an innocent, inhuman bit of fun, because the 'pieces' are human people. Also, dancing has the connotation of intimacy, as dancers are always pressed up against one another, which is like a foreshadowing for the clear sexual implications soon after.
The very first stanza offers two metaphors to sex already; as a game to be played (which could refer to flirting and foreplay) and as a dance to be danced (intimacy).
it was sweet / i bit my lip; this is quite a sudden but again a gentle way to begin a new stanza. The positivity is continued directly through the word ' sweet'; but then the kind of subtle negativity that is also a trademark of your photography seeps in. These two lines are actually very imaginative indeed, or interesting at the least; it's as if the lines were reversed, and they really should read: I bit my lip / it was sweet. In any case the idea of biting and tasting and a kind of gentle graphicness is beginning to emerge.
i bit my lip / for you / to taste the bitterness in my mouth; the idea of sacrifice is quite evident here. You bite your lip, cause yourself pain, for this person, and the "sweet bitterness" is what makes the eventual pleasure so accentuated. But this second stanza does focus on the seriousness of this act, but not in an overly negative way. Also, blood tastes bitter, and since blood is the life-force of humans the seriousness of it all truly does come into play.
After the word "mouth", though, I'd include a semi-colon to even out the flow into the next lines.
that is how serious / of a play it was; here we have a play on the word "play" (
round and round / it was a good tango; I notice now that in no part of the poem do you actually describe the act of love. The tone is passive and past-tense, as if it was all theoretical or it had all already happened. This is a brilliant idea, because the graphicness is given through insinuation and metaphor, rather than stated outright, and the feeling of realisation on part of the reader is almost cathartic. The only part where you seem to actively describe the act itself is with the words 'round and round'. This brings us back to the idea of a game, a childish spinning circle of fun, and the 'tango' of the next line refers to the idea of a dance. It does so very well, because even without that connection the owrding and imagery works beautifully. Also, the saying "It takes two to tango" comes fittingly to mind here.
The passiveness of the word 'was' is just what creates the damp, afterglow-effect of the poem. Lovely.
and / finished with the most violent of moves repeats the earlier theme of yours, masochism. Among all of this pleasure and this dancing and spinning there is a pain, a violence; but it is not meant here in its traditional meaning, I think. In fact, there really isn't any pain present as such; it does not necessarily follow from violence. A leaf falling from a tree can be called violent. I think that is the kind that you are referring to here; a romantic, beautiful violence.
The 'most violent of moves' again serves as a definite article, referring to some singular act; from this I get the image of a man thrusting himself on a woman, a violent act of love. But ' finished' refers to ending and finality, so perhaps this most violent thing is the orgasm.
a tear would run down / my surprised face; I am stunned by the amount of emotion in just these few words. When it is taken in context of the rest of the poem, there is such a twirl of different feelings going on here! 'A tear' refers of course to sadness; but just before the description has been of romantic violence, happiness even, so the tear could be one of happiness too. 
The tear 'running down' connotes liquid and fluidity, concretely and metaphorically. The image of a single tear falling down a cheek is really very touching; it is an overused concept, true, but your use of it here is so original and personal.
i was only defeated / when you made me come; this was something of a surprise. The concept is great, of course, of being 'defeated' (of the fictional character being cast aside?) when all emotions are let out. But 'when you made me come' is quite a sudden shift from abstract and passive to graphic and concrete; it is a question of preference, and I personally would have kept the abstractness. But this way is brilliant too; and interesting as well. Since it is the apex of lovemaking (and at the end of the poem too), it is a great idea to make it stand out in some way, make it different from the rest. And that is just what you've managed to do. 
Kuten sanottua, uskomaton runo and todella omaperäistä kuvakieltä; passiivisuus ja romanttisuus sekä sitten graafisuus ja jopa seksuaalinen raakuus kaikki toimivat poeettisesti ja mahtavasti. Mahtavaa ja hyvin, hyvin tunnepitoista tekstiä; bravo. 
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Bit of a gush there from me, I think with a bit of distance I would have used less superlatives.
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I won't go into each point separately here, because I agree with and understand all of them. 
Well done once again.
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probably the longest comment i've ever received. i held on to the chair to not fall off, hehe...
seriously though, to have inspired someone write that much means the world to me. obviously the effect creating the words must be bigger and is more meaningful, but since we can only see writing, it is effective.
i like how u noticed things the way i meant them... like not mentioning love, because it's not about love. and the most violent of moves... i'm not sure what i meant...in tango or such i though of the moment when the female is 'thrown' apart and the only thing keeping her from falling is the partners hand holding her. but in this context i think it's sex. trust me i like sex but if u think about it, just technically or so, it is violent...thrusting yourself inside somebody. i think the poem is partly about a relationship, a playful, sexy one, flirtatious, and the notion that u made of a game is good since that's how i thought about it... it's fun but it's still a game, there has to be a winner. the human mind at the same time just wants to be happy but for some sick reasons also wants to win and control... i think they're playing each other. and it turns into a foreplay and when it turns to sex it gets more...difficult, it's so personal. i think this person, woman, wasn't planning on giving in to him, but fell for him after all. was defeated by her own wittyness.
i think the tear is that of loss...pain a bit... u know how atheletes might shed a tear after loosing an important contest. and it's interesting because orgasm is positive, so in the positive emotions there is somethign negative mixed. orgasm makes one really sensitive and maybe all this playing was such a tension builder and when she finally came, and at the same time lost something (what?), it created a tear. the rest of teh emotiones stayed inside, as they did before. now, what did she loose...just the game, maybe she thought she was invincible. because i like to think, romantically, that it's so intimate to have an orgasm with someone, that it'll change a relationship forever, from the persons perspective anyway, it's as if u gave yourself to them. and in a game or play, your not supposed to do that, it means loss, u gave in by giving yourself and your emotions.
oh the semi colon suggestion was good btw.
shit this is becoming as long as your comment
i would like to tell u, as u pondered whether or not the last sentence is appropriate, that the whole poem sprung from that, "i was only defeated..."
the character of the poem, saying 'it was a good tango' is obviously not bitter at the outcome, rather i think she remembers it fondly, u know making that hmm sound in the end. that's just what happened. i think she fell for her own trap. i don't know how it would work if He lost... she just didn't know he could have so much power over her.
and why she bit her lip...i like this idea, because the pain and blood that excist in this act are not visible, and it's all good, sweet as she says, but under the surface there's this bitter taste and it's both good and bad. she did it for him, so sacrifice yes, but bitterness is negative, i think she's telling him how serious it is, and bitter, i mean if you think of it as a mood, it's negative. anyhow, he can only taste it.
yah, thank you for the very extensive and thoughtful commentary, etc. i'm sure u know
jen
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the poem took me and made it visible in my head.. i could see she cry a tear, just one, not more.
the photo looks like it would be from your collections
please write more.
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thank you 
jen
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So sweet it reminds me to regret not knowing how to dance..
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this is a fantastically amazing photo. it reminds me of Phantom of the Opera.
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wow..wonderful, it's just rather sad (to my part). i don't understand why one would want to dissect poetry in the first place. lovely work, and it reflects the maturity we develop as we gain more experience. a maturity that i do not yet understand. dark and haunting at the same time.
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"critique discouraged: English is not my language, so please laugh about my mistakes, but dont tell me that you are."
Your second poem? incredible, the tango, the dance of the bull-fighter, the continous, passionate, hide and seek of an eager to lose controul couple, the roundnes of the chase, the rithm of the hearts going louder and louder... and there you are shoing passion thru that bite... you have give an extraordinary comfort to my soul, you have give thru this poem a little light in the days to come. THANK YOU! As the old indians say "May you walk in beauty"
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DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this is really really GOOD
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I'm not good at crits for poetry... I suck at poetry in fact.
this is good though.
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