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Asrath — Dysphoria
by-nc-nd
#depressed #dysphoria #dysphoric #erik #ftm #gender #gid #kohler #mtf #pain #sadness #trans #transgender #transsexual #asrath #ezrin
Published: 2014-11-16 14:04:14 +0000 UTC; Views: 2910; Favourites: 33; Downloads: 0
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Description
Ok, if you're not trans you probably don't even know what "dysphoria" is, so I'll clarify a bit. It is the terrible, dreadful feeling you get because of your body doesn't match your brain, your identity. Your brain basically just flips out because it sees the wrong sex characteristics it is "programmed" for. It can manifest itself in many ways, also detachment, which was my way of dealing with it years ago.The moment I drew this, I felt extremely dysphoric. Even more so than normally, and I felt like being torn down on the inside, while having to smile-n-wave on the outside. I made this drawing to get that feeling 'out' and process it a bit better.
Even though over time I have gotten VERY good at drawing up walls and a mask to stop people from noticing, this is how I feel on the inside. I hide my own pain from others and even myself with jokes and laughter, but sometimes... I just can't hold it anymore, and paper always listens without prejudice.
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Comments: 21
this is what my dysphoria looks like in my dreams
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You my friend have the same belief I do XD
she forces me to wear girl stuff.
And yeah, kin is supposed to come first, but she just can't come to accept it
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That's awesome man 
Sad to hear she does that though. I hope she'll at least lets you be yourself eventually. I just never got how some people feel like they have to impose their views and opinions (or "god written" "laws") on others. It's like... saying others cannot eat cookies because you are on a diet. If we're sinners, why even care? Just let us go to hell then, instead of fucking up our lives.
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I have a friend that believes Heaven and Hell are not what people portray them as. He believes Heaven is people working together to overcome hard times, while hell is like trying to team up with a zombie and a sniper at the same time (Z Nation reference)
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Haha well, that is an interesting take on it at least.
I believe heaven and hell both are (metaphorical) places that exist on earth, and you gotto make something of your life while you're still ALIVE, rather than try to get into heaven once you're dead.
I personally also think the whole aspect of heaven and hell would be way too simplistic to do justice to the complexity of human nature. If there's an afterlife, I believe it would be reincarnation, and your next life wouldn't be designed to 'reward' or 'punish', but to make you learn from past mistakes and grow as a person or in that case, soul.
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I have a theory that we just keep reincarnating non-stop until something or someone stops us from doing so.
And yeah, maybe I should tell Michael (my friend) to stop watching so many zombie films (even though they're great) they're starting to get to his head XD
Do you have memories of any past lives? I sometimes get weird memories/dreams of me being in WW2, which is weird and a bit creepy.
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I love this. You just wrote the perfect description there is for dysphoria. If you don't mind me asking, what do you identify as more? personally, I'm a guy
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Thanks
Of course I don't mind. I'm a guy too. Already out and everything for more than a year now. I can definitely say that took a huge weight off my shoulders
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cool, man! btw, I'm getting a bit personal here, but um... Do you have any experience with T? or know someone who has taken it? It's just... I've been thinking about it.
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That's not too personal IMO. And yeah, I know a lot of people who are taking it. I am most likely going to get it between now and two months. I've been through a year of psychological assessments and diagnostic processes to determine whether I'm "really" trans, and it's almost done. After that I'll get T.
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Cool! I haven't gotten the nerve to tell both of my parents and kinda like, drop it on them, let alone therapy! Specially with my parents being transphobic and homophobic.
I really want to tell them, but I can't seem to "grow a pair" XD okay that was bad. that hurt. I just hurt myself with that joke, but I had to say it.
Anyway, I'm almost in college, just a couple months and I'm free! I'm planning on giving basic information sheets to some teachers (if not all) and try and get them to help a bit.
Also, finding a roomate/house rental mate (is that even a thing?) might be a bit hard. I don't want to end up being stuck with a girl.
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yw
I told my mom two days ago, I somehow couldn't shut it until I left for college. I should've held it in half a year more, but I couldn't.
My mom's not very pleased about this... She's christian and she's in denial of me right now.
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Sad to hear that... I know a few rare cases where christian parents are okay with it, and manage to see that their belief teaches them to love those who are close to them, regardless of whatever. But sadly many christians somehow get very hung up by 'rules' and what is and what isn't 'okay' to be.
I really hope for you that her mother's love for you will outgrow her christian belief that being trans is 'wrong' or 'unnatural' (I'm not christian but pagan, so your mom would probably hate me, lol, but from a christian POV I'd say that God made us trans. That we aren't going 'against' what is natural, but that we are, in fact, becoming what we always have been. God doesn't make mistakes, right? It is scientifically proven that transpeople actually have the BRAIN of the sex they identify as, AKA: it's not some weird imaginary thing for us)
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wow... Thanks so much
I hope my mom gets over this whole 'sin' and 'denial' stuff.
And yeah! I did the reaserch as well! My mom still refuses to believe it.
Even worse, she's brushed it off like it never happened now!
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You're welcome
And I don't necessarily believe in a conscious creator we can relate to as humans, but indeed that's there's some life force, some guiding force, in the universe which makes things happen as they do. Not with any judgement or human thought whatsoever. But that this force indeed doesn't make mistakes, and that we are meant to be trans in this life just as some people are meant to be men or women in certain lives.
For me, I can definitely say it made me grow a lot and I learned a lot of life lessons, and also met my currently best friend, BECAUSE I just happen to be trans. So yeah, it sucks, dysphoria is the worst feeling in the world, but since I know I'm trans and live as a guy my life has gotten so much more full and worthwhile... I'm grateful for tiny things most people just take for granted.
But I'm rambling, I'm rambling. I definitely hope so too. I don't know your mom, and I know some people sadly never get over it, but I also know very often they do, but it can take very long. I just hope that she will at least just let you go through transition and love you as her child, regardless of her views on the whole matter. (isn't love for next of kin and other people a big thing in christianity?)
Does she let you wear whatever you want, or actually tries to 'force' you to be feminine and all?
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This is very, very good. Everything in here is perfect-- the drawing and the words.
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