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GrickenFlutterings
Published: 2010-11-18 17:50:34 +0000 UTC; Views: 13993; Favourites: 394; Downloads: 356
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Description It hurted.

My stomach was hurting for days. Mama said it was probably ulcer or maybe my drinking of so much Coke. But I ate and I ate and never drank Coke, and still my stomach hurted. Even if Mama went to the place where herbal plants grow to get a bunch of leaves so that she could squish them and put them in my drink, my stomach didn't stop hurting.

Papa said it was time to call the doctor, so he put on his funny straw hat and went to call the doctor. And when he came back, there was a funny-looking man that followed him into our little house. He had long kinky hair with white stuff in it and when he smiled he had very few teeth. His skin was brown, and his clothes was brown, and his hair was brown. He looked like mud.

Papa said, This is Pachiko.

And I said, Hello Pachiko.

And Pachiko smiled with the very few teeth that he had. Then he touched my stomach. He touched it for a long time, long enough for me to ask why he was touching it.

Then he took his hand off my stomach and looked at me. I wondered why his eyes grew big and his skin turned from the color of tree trunks to the color of Papa's coffee. Then he said to Mama and Papa, "Let's go out," in his funny voice.

They talked outside, but I couldn't hear them. At first their voices were very quiet and then Mama screamed! Then Papa got all angry and started yelling things I didn't understand. Were they getting mad at Pachiko? Was he being a bad doctor?

I did not move from the chair I was sitting on until they came back inside. Pachiko went home already. Only Mama and Papa came in the door.

Pachiko the doctor went home already, but my stomach still hurted.

Mama hugged me immediately. It was scary because she was crying.

Why are you crying, Mama? Did Pachiko do something bad to you?  I asked.

She just kept on crying. Papa was smoking a cigarette and staring out the window. That was something he did when he was thinking hard about something, like when it was still months before the harvest and he doesn't know where to get money.

They wanted me to sleep on their bed that night and I was really happy to. I lied down between them and listened to their talking while they thought I was asleep.

They were talking about a bird and how fast it was growing. There was a bird that they needed to get rid of.

Then Mama said something about me going to Trina's house and eating the food her grandma cooked.

You mean Old Lady Gila is a—? Papa asked.

Then Mama said probably and she said that Old Lady Gila must have put a stone in my food. But I didn't remember eating any stone.

Papa said something that sounded like Aaaargh, Why my daughter?

Then Mama talked about the bird again. She said that the bird needs to be killed because it will grow big and it will become hungry. And I will be hungry too and people will die. Mama seemed very sad.

Then I heard Papa cry. I wanted to reach to him, to hug him and say, Don't cry Papa, I'm not hungry yet, but I fell asleep before I could.


I had a funny dream that night.

I dreamed I was flying, and then I went into Nino's window. Nino and I are classmates. It was funny because in my dream, before I even knew it, Nino was lying on the floor with a big hole in his chest. And then instead of hands I had claws, and in my claws there is a soft red thing that is shaped like a mango. It was thumping like it was alive.

The most funniest part was that I ate it, gobbled it up like fried rice.



_ _ _ _ _ _ _


Papa woke me up early today, there was no sun yet.

We're going to the woods, Papa said.

And I got up even though I was very sleepy, washed my face and followed him.

He is carrying his really big gun as we walk. He uses it to shoot animals and scare people, but mostly to scare people. And I ask him why he bringed it but he don't answer. He just keeps on walking, and his face is as sour as an iba fruit. He doesn't even whistle the tune of It's a small World like he always does.

I ask, "Are we going to shoot birds today, Papa?"

He looks at me, and his face is the same as the doctor when he looked at me funny. Then he become serious again and looks at the trees.

He says, "Yes, babe, we are."
Related content
Comments: 419

Gricken In reply to ??? [2011-01-22 12:33:25 +0000 UTC]

But those were intentional. It was my way of telling it from a child's perspective.

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StrangeStuffStudios In reply to Gricken [2011-01-22 17:53:11 +0000 UTC]

I get that now. Just didn't work for me.

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TheAnkylosaurus In reply to ??? [2011-01-22 02:10:04 +0000 UTC]

The mistakes are part of the style, as the narrator is obviously a child.

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StrangeStuffStudios In reply to TheAnkylosaurus [2011-01-22 02:36:13 +0000 UTC]

if that were just in the dialog that would be a cool literary device. It is not, and makes it cumbersome to read.

I mean, that's just my opinion.

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icantthinkofaname-09 In reply to StrangeStuffStudios [2011-01-22 03:15:19 +0000 UTC]

Well, as it's told in first-person perspective, it sort of IS in the dialog, in a sense, because the child is the one telling the story.

I don't find it cumbersome at all, I think it makes it quite realistic.

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TheAnkylosaurus In reply to StrangeStuffStudios [2011-01-22 02:48:26 +0000 UTC]

Well, that's fine. Disliking it for that reason is okay, as long as you realize it's not a result of grammatical error.

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StrangeStuffStudios In reply to TheAnkylosaurus [2011-01-22 02:53:17 +0000 UTC]

I do now. Thank you.

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VampIricGEEK In reply to ??? [2011-01-22 01:35:40 +0000 UTC]

O.O

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Do-You-Remember-Me In reply to ??? [2011-01-22 01:33:02 +0000 UTC]

Nice... well, not 'nice', but you know what I mean... it's one of those pieces where I felt like I was the character, or I could at least empathise with her... I love those kinds of writings.

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Gricken In reply to Do-You-Remember-Me [2011-01-22 12:37:03 +0000 UTC]

Thank you! I'm glad you feel that way.

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Do-You-Remember-Me In reply to Gricken [2011-01-23 06:57:15 +0000 UTC]

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be-silent In reply to ??? [2011-01-22 01:26:58 +0000 UTC]

It reminds me of Haiti. :/

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Gricken In reply to be-silent [2011-01-22 12:32:16 +0000 UTC]

Really? What's in Haiti?

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be-silent In reply to Gricken [2011-01-22 16:37:58 +0000 UTC]

Poor People And voodoo.

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oogabadooga In reply to ??? [2011-01-22 01:16:16 +0000 UTC]

Wait.....Is she pregnant or does she have a tumor or is an ACTUAL bird inside of her??????

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Gricken In reply to oogabadooga [2011-01-22 12:31:56 +0000 UTC]

There's an actual bird, yes.

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SapphiraFire In reply to oogabadooga [2011-01-22 03:55:02 +0000 UTC]

She's pregnant. The bird is used as a metaphor

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Hildetann In reply to ??? [2011-01-22 01:12:40 +0000 UTC]

amazing.
I remember reading about something like this in Filipino folk tales, when I was a child. This reminds me of that, so much. I don't know what that creature was called, but ... it's there.

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Gricken In reply to Hildetann [2011-01-22 12:30:38 +0000 UTC]

Thank you.

Um, I think you've talking about the "aswang," and yeah, I sort of based it on them.

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Hildetann In reply to Gricken [2011-01-22 16:58:39 +0000 UTC]

Aswang! Yes! That was the one! (Sorry, I had the feeling of it being something like that, but I wasn't sure).
I used to get told stories of that when I was a child.
How have you been since last time? (I recall talking to you before...)

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Gricken In reply to Hildetann [2011-01-22 17:17:00 +0000 UTC]

I still hear stories about them now.
I'm all right. You? (I watch you, but I haven't been able to keep up with all the deviations pouring in. )

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Hildetann In reply to Gricken [2011-01-22 17:28:30 +0000 UTC]

Or... I think this also reminds me of another one - something like mananggal? /failure spelling
I was very interested in this type of thing when I was younger.
Fine as well.
That's how I've noticed it is - and it just gets worse when there's not always time for dA, the deviations just keep pouring in and filling up.

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Gricken In reply to Hildetann [2011-01-22 17:44:46 +0000 UTC]

It's manananggal. But you almost got it.
I've only taken an interest in them recently, when I started thinking that they might actually exist.
I know. I have about a thousand every time I log in.

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Hildetann In reply to Gricken [2011-01-22 17:49:22 +0000 UTC]

ahh, another "an". Well. I was close. I guess. I'M OKAY STILL, RIGHT?
I believe that anything and everything can exist if you put your mind to it, at some level. In some world... everything you wish can come true.
Somewhere.
I have at least 300 every DAY.

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Gricken In reply to Hildetann [2011-01-25 13:30:35 +0000 UTC]

Of course you're okay!
But here, people actually believe aswang or manananggals exist. I've heard a lot of present-day stories. Never actually seen one though. That's city life for ya.

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Hildetann In reply to Gricken [2011-01-26 00:43:18 +0000 UTC]

people even believe them in the city?
That's interesting. Here, I don't know of anyone that really believes in ghosts or anything of that sort, but then again, we are really culturally diverse, so it's not like... there is a uniform and "all-Canadian" one (unless you count Sasquatch... )

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KittyKatTheTacoDemon In reply to ??? [2011-01-22 00:39:40 +0000 UTC]

Amazing job, and congrats on the DD! You totally deserved it!

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Gricken In reply to KittyKatTheTacoDemon [2011-01-22 12:29:13 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

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abstract-dreamer [2011-01-22 00:29:16 +0000 UTC]

I like it alot and I think it has great potential if you take it further, but, you really should look at your sentence structure, grammer, and spelling. You're very talented, I don't know many people who can come up with stories like this.

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Gricken In reply to abstract-dreamer [2011-01-22 12:29:02 +0000 UTC]

Thanks, but those grammar bumps were intentional. I guess it's my way of telling it from a child's perspective.

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abstract-dreamer In reply to Gricken [2011-01-23 00:04:08 +0000 UTC]

oh, that is very creative...but...there are many other ways that you can show that it's from a child's perspective.

don't get me wrong, I am not trying to hurt your feelings or put you down. I love the piece and I think it's great im just giving you suggestions from a professional persepctive.

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Gricken In reply to abstract-dreamer [2011-01-25 14:00:32 +0000 UTC]

Naw, it's all right. And I appreciate your opinion. It's just that I've read a couple of published short stories that were told from a child's perspective, and maybe those are where I got the idea from. So I thought I might as well give it a try.

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abstract-dreamer In reply to Gricken [2011-01-26 02:44:44 +0000 UTC]

it's a great idea, very very creative!

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Gricken In reply to abstract-dreamer [2011-01-26 11:44:20 +0000 UTC]

Thanks.

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abstract-dreamer In reply to Gricken [2011-01-26 23:37:59 +0000 UTC]

you're very welcome

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vic-min In reply to ??? [2011-01-21 23:14:22 +0000 UTC]

This reminds me of the cuckoo bird who lays it's eggs in other bird's nests. The cuckoo chick eats more and grows faster than the hosts' chicks, so it eventually takes over the nest.

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Gricken In reply to vic-min [2011-01-22 12:28:20 +0000 UTC]

That's an interesting fact.

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TheCriticofInnocence In reply to ??? [2011-01-21 23:09:39 +0000 UTC]

O_O; sad indeed...

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Mr-BingBong In reply to ??? [2011-01-21 22:58:42 +0000 UTC]

I read through a bit of your comments and you say the bird growing in the child's stomach is part of a more local superstition. Could you elaborate a little bit or point me in the direction of where I could learn more about the superstition?

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Gricken In reply to Mr-BingBong [2011-01-22 11:42:11 +0000 UTC]

Here: [link]
Although I haven't really found anything on the net about transformation. Most I've heard through word of mouth. And they always mention about a stone being swallowed and a bird growing in the stomach.

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Aeltari In reply to ??? [2011-01-21 22:37:25 +0000 UTC]

Creepy take on a cultural mythology. Left alive she would have transformed into something horrifying...her dream signifies this. It has perhaps happened to other villagers before. How terrible for them all.

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Gricken In reply to Aeltari [2011-01-22 11:37:06 +0000 UTC]

Thanks. But from what I've heard, stuff like this really happens in my province.

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Aeltari In reply to Gricken [2011-01-22 18:37:48 +0000 UTC]

Oh my word! I never expected for you to say that. Where are you from? Does the "bird" you describe follow an actual legend of the people?

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Gricken In reply to Aeltari [2011-01-25 13:38:36 +0000 UTC]

I'm from the Philippines. I'm not even sure that it really is a bird; it might be some other kind of creature growing inside a person, but people just call it a bird.

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Aeltari In reply to Gricken [2011-01-25 20:22:48 +0000 UTC]

My parents were from Bali, and they had stories like that. The bedtime tales my father used to tell were more like nightmares lol. The old world had some seriously creepy things. You know I often wonder if I shouldn't do some art based on those stories of his.

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Gricken In reply to Aeltari [2011-01-26 12:01:12 +0000 UTC]

You should. *peeks at your gallery* You've got some really awesome artworks!

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Aeltari In reply to Gricken [2011-01-26 18:05:37 +0000 UTC]

Wow thank you! I remember one creepy story about this tree in the forest. Dad said there were ghosts in it of pregnant women who had died, and they had this big hole in the middle of their stomachs. At a certain time of night you did not want to go near it, and animals avoided the place as a general rule. Another story was of this young lady who was at a party and spilled wine on her dress. She was murdered on her way home, and would show up at the parties sometimes afterwards. Dad had seen her being buried, and he also saw her ghost!

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Gricken In reply to Aeltari [2011-01-27 16:43:01 +0000 UTC]

Oh, those stories are really creepy. Have you yourself seen any ghosts?

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Aeltari In reply to Gricken [2011-01-27 21:35:12 +0000 UTC]

My father's bloodline has many strange gifts, he has partial spectral vision and I have full. His older brother was a clairvoyant as well. I see spirits all over the place. It unnerved me horribly when I was a child but you do get used to it once you know what its all about. I had thought of doing art based on the things I had seen but never got around to it.

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Gricken In reply to Aeltari [2011-01-28 12:33:53 +0000 UTC]

Interesting. I have a few friends who can see spirits as well. I'm not sensitive to them at all, and neither is anyone in my family. Funny because it's usually the people who can't see ghosts that are most afraid of them. My sister is even scared of mirrors.

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