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Published: 2018-01-16 19:50:58 +0000 UTC; Views: 2533; Favourites: 24; Downloads: 0
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Comments: 53
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Obrigado! (also for the many s)
I'm not sure about "expressão" ( I think the translation is wrong, but the word seems to work anyway).
The rest seems right.
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Interesting project! I think I will try my hand on a Swedish translation 
När jag kan gå vid din sida
Behöver jag inte längre springa för att nå dig
När jag kan se in i dina ögon
Behöver jag inte längre drömma om din blick
När jag kan älska dig
Finns det inget mer jag behöver.
I am a bit confused what tempus you want it in. I mean, is it supposed to be longing, hypothetical, like
"When I'll be able to walk by your side"
or more a present, "it is a reality" thing, like
"Now that I am able to love you" ?
My Swedish translation (with a few stylistic choices) works well for both cases, but if you want a more accurate version for the second one, it would be
När jag nu kan gå vid din sida
Behöver jag inte längre springa för att nå dig
När jag nu kan se in i dina ögon
Behöver jag inte längre drömma om din blick
När jag nu kan älska dig
Finns det inget mer jag behöver.
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Ok, thank you for the translation, and sorry for the late reply.
Mostly the first case.
It's a long-term future, but for the protagonist it's also a certain future.
I any case we aren't talking about a near future.
The poetry is deliberately ambiguous, it can means: "Now I'm too shy/insecure, but one day I will be able to declare my love"; or also: "Now (that I'm young) I fall in love easily, but when I'm older (and more mature) I can have a serious relationship".
So a translation is probably not easy.
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In the German one is a mistake; "müßte" is the old version and isn't correct anymore, the new version is "müsste" ;
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я добавлю русский язык, если мне заплатят поинтами xDD
(i`l add Russian lang, if i get paid with points xDD) That was a joke ofc xD but if u really want, i will be glad xDD
Btw..
Russian verbatim version (Русская дословная версия)
Когда я смогу идти рядом с тобой,
мне больше не нужно бежать, чтобы догнать тебя.
Когда я смогу посмотреть тебе в глаза,
мне больше не нужно мечтать о твоем взгляде.
Когда я смогу любить тебя,
мне больше ничего не нужно.
Russian poetic version (Русская поэтическая версия) but over the last line, I would have worked, but I'm too lazy xD
Когда я смогу идти рядом с тобою,
догнать тебя чтоб, не придется бежать.
Когда посмотреть в твои глазки смогу я,
о взгляде твоём перестану мечтать.
Когда же смогу я тебя полюбить,
ничто больше мне не придется искать.
the English v.1 was the source.
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Interesting idea! Let me try in greek;
Όταν θα μπορώ να περπατώ στο πλάι σου
δεν θα χρειάζεται να τρέχω να σε φτάσω
Όταν θα μπορώ να σε κοιτάζω στα μάτια
δεν θα χρειάζεται να ονειρεύομαι το βλέμμα σου
Όταν θα μπορώ να σε αγαπώ
δεν θα χρειάζομαι τίποτα παραπάνω.
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Yay, I conquered another alphabet
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This is intriguing. Here are my suggestions.
When I am able to walk by your side
I shall not need to run to reach you
When I am able to look into your eyes
I shall not need to imagine your expression
When I am able to love you
I shall need nothing more
Or perhaps:
When I am able to walk by your side
I shall not need to run to reach you
When I am able to look into your eyes
I shall not need to imagine your face
When I am able to love you
I shall not need anything more
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I'm not so good at English, so I'm quite confused by the use of "I am" as a future. How is it possible?
Also, I'm trying to understand what "shall" means, but I found, like, 42 different translations, so...
In the end, the phrase "imagine your expression/face" is... no
("dream" is important, and I prefer "glance")
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"Am" as a future tense verb is an example of the future conditional tense. It has an implied "if" for something that might happen in the future.
"Shall" is rather old-fashioned and interchangeable with "will" when the subject is "I" or "we" but without certain connotations of "will".
Fair enough about the final phrase; it is your work.
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I think now I understand enough the future conditional tense.
The problem was that it's very different from what I'm used to in Italian: in a previous comment I said that the events of this poetry aren't hypothetical (the classic "the problem is not if, but when"), but now I have found that in English even a certain future fact requires a hypothetical period (in Italian it doesn't exist a future conditional), so now I'm just confused. I think I just find weird this construction .
About "Shall", this is very helpful. "Shall" seemed to me like a sort of fancy slang (probably because in Italian we have the slang "scialla!" (relax/take it easy) that sounds similar).
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Thanks for that.
On a matter of style, I used expanded forms such as "I shall" because that is how English is usually written. "I'll" is usually kept for speaking and reporting direct speech. It must be said, however, that when one sees an account of someone saying, "I will do that later," instead of, "I'll do that later," in someone's writing, it is give-away that the writer is not a native speaker.
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Hopefully a decent translation to Malay?
Pabila diriku mampu melangkah di sisi mu
Tak perlu ku berlari mengejarmu
Pabila diriku mampu merenung matamu
Tak perlu ku impikan ratapanmu
Pabila diriku mampu mencintaimu
Tak perlu ku mencari yang lain
I'm certain there are a number of minor errors grammatically speaking since there are some rules I've forgotten. I'm a native speaker, but the "proper" Malay taught in schools is different from what one would hear on the street. Also not a one-to-one translation per se, since I favor the words that sound a bit nicer to me lol.
Good luck with the project in any case!
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Seems we are growing fast.
Excellent!
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Here's a fairly accurate English → Polish translation. Hopefully I'm not too late.
Kiedy już zacznę iść u twego boku
Przestanę biec, aby cię dosięgnąć.
Kiedy już zacznę spoglądać w twe oczy
Przestanę śnić o twoim spojrzeniu.
Kiedy już będę w stanie cię pokochać,
Nie będę potrzebować niczego więcej.
Good luck with your project!
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It's never too late for spread love!
Dziękuję for the translation .
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So, German:
Wenn ich an deiner Seite gehen könnte,
müßte ich nicht mehr rennen, um dich einzuholen.
Wenn sich deine Augen in meinen spiegeln würden,
bräuchte ich nicht mehr von deinem Blick zu träumen.
Wenn ich dich lieben könnte,
würde ich nichts mehr anderes benötigen.
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Danke!
This project is becoming a thing
I received three translations in a short time, I wonder if it's a coincidence, or they are connected to each other
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A couple weeks ago I mentioned it in my literature news article, Litland News , and I think that's how 2 of the recent 3 translators found it. Hopefully it keeps growing; it's a really cool idea
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Oh, thank you
(Strange, I did not get a notification for that )
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I also recently didn't get a notification for something I was tagged in; I'm not sure if DA is having issues
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I think it's because you added it with a modification. Probably notifications don't work in that case.
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You are very welcome.
The project is a nice refreshing idea.
Who knows?
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Well, what version did you use for your translation? (I suppose the English one)
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o.k.
In first line I used the French version and in two little cases the English one.
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Ok, so it's just a coincidence.
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Spanish (Castilian)
Cuando sea capaz de caminar a tu lado
ya no necesitaré correr para alcanzarte
Cuando sea capaz de mirarte a los ojos
ya no necesitaré soñar con tu mirada
Cuando sea capaz de amarte
ya no necesitaré nada más.
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Nice project! Here's my take on it, in Dutch:
Als ik aan je zijde kan wandelen
hoef ik niet te rennen tot bij jou
Als ik in je ogen kan kijken
hoef ik niet te dromen van jouw blik
Als ik van jou kan houden
hoef ik nooit iets anders meer.
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i would do a bulgarian one since im bulgarian but im not used to the bulgarian kyeboard
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Well, it's a good way to get used, right? XD
Don't worry, I still appreciate your interest.
p.s. do you have other Bulgarian friends?
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no i havent on this website
there so rare to find
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See, this is what you get when you ask for a critique from GrammarNaziCritiques : a critique from GrammarNaziCritiques . Yeah, you never saw us coming, I'm sure! Well, we're here now. Okay, just me. I'm here, but I still speak for the group and nothing you can say -- aside from "please don't critique my poem" -- will stop me from critiquing your poem.
So here I go.
Since you wrote two English versions and the latter is generally better as an English poem (I do not judge the quality of the translation), I will only jump up and down and point my finger at that one.The poem suffers mainly from being roundabout in its sentence structure. More specifically, "When I will be able" is ungrammatical and a little lumpy as poetry goes. Luckily, the fix is easy:
When I'm able to walk by your side,
I need not run to reach you.
When I'm able to look in your eyes,
I need not dream of your glance.
When I'm able to love you,
I will need nothing more.
Okay, that is the most pure correction I can suggest without corrupting the translation too badly. Now it's time to corrupt your poem too badly with suggested rewrites for smoother English style, but at the risk of wandering from exact translation:
Perhaps someday I'll walk beside you,
and need not run to reach you.
If I can gaze into your eyes,
I need not dream of glances.
When I truly love you,
We'll both need nothing more.
Now that I attempted the ruin of your poem, I will elaborate: this suggested rewrite is meant to add a dash of rhythm, a soupcon of alliteration and assonance, and a sense of progression from mere desire to probable facts. This may not be the intent of the original (I don't speak Italian, and thus am not claiming to know best here), but it's all I can offer, so take it or leave it as you see fit. No skin off my nose, which reminds me: don't touch my nose.
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You're a weird guy. I like it.
Really? So simple?
I mean, "I'm able" is present, right? Can I use it as a future?
Why "dream of your glance"? The "of" change something?
The rewriting is nice, but the meaning is too different.
"Perhaps" and "If" don't have to be there: the narrative self doesn't make hypotheses, he/she has certainties (a bit naive if you want).
If you think about it, the poetry doesn't imply that this love is returned; the fulcrum of poetry is the capability of the protagonist to perform certain actions (walking by side/looking into eyes/loving; the first two also metaphorically), rather than the fact that these actions actually happen.
For this reason I find inappropriate "I truly love you" (but I don't know if I have correctly interpreted "truly") and "We'll both".
Even in Italian this poem is lacking in metric (for me meaning is more important than form).
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Thank you for the feedback. It's always interesting to learn how the poet sees the style and substance of their work.
I selected "dream of your glance" because the meaning indeed changes without "of". To "dream your glance" would imply originating it in dreams, whereas dreaming "of" it means it is being remembered in dreams. Since the glance seemed to be a real, remembered thing, I ran with that.
Yes, we have previously discussed how suggested rewrites run the risk of wandering too far from the original intent. Even someone fluent in the language may face challenges in this task. I'm glad you enjoyed the effort, though.
I don't feel that meaning is more important than form, nor that the reverse is true; I feel it depends on the intent of the poet. e.e. cummings focused almost entirely on the visual shape of his poetry, and sacrificed the ability to read it aloud in many cases. Conversely, Billy Collins writes in a conversational style that some of his harshest critics have attacked as someone unworthy of being called "poetry". I think they have some nerve! Writing with such seeming effortlessness takes real effort. For that reason, I try to add or polish meter when I feel the poem leans that way, but leave it alone when it is in any sort of non-metered style.
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Interesting, in Italian there's no such distinction. But the need to dream a gaze may be due to the impossibility/inability to watch it from the truth (even, poetry works even if the dreamed person, and so the gaze, is totally imaginary), and therefore the look is idealized (or even invented); in fact both forms would be fine.
I prefer the meaning also because I'm not good with the metric .
But I really appreciate those who can successfully combine form and substance!
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Romanian
Când o să pot să merg lângă tine,
n-o să mai fie nevoie să alerg ca să ajung la tine.
Când o să pot să mă uit în ochii tăi,
n-o să mai fie nevoie să visez la privirea ta.
Când o să pot să te iubesc
N-o să mai am nevoie de nimic altceva.
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Mersi Roberta.
Wow, two translation in a day, great!
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Cu plăcere! <3 Good luck with the project!
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Français/French
Lorsque à tes côtés je pourrai marcher
Je n'aurai plus à courir pour te rejoindre
Lorsque je pourrai fixer mes yeux dans les tiens
Je n'aurai plus besoin de rêver de ton regard
Lorsque je serai capable de t'aimer
De rien d'autre je n'aurai besoin
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Insomma, il titolo con cui ho pubblicato la versione originale anni fa XD.
Volevo usare un titolo in inglese per questioni di visibilità (leggi marketing); in effetti "When..." non è così male.
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